Hell

I believe Hell is a place of complete loneliness. Where you're always doubting yourself because there is no one there to reassure you. It's not a quiet place. It's a place where demons are screaming insults and lies are dripping off of their fangs as they bite into you. You feel like your existance is meaningless. And you wonder why do I deserve this. You try to climb out of it, which is futile. This is a reality that will never change until you are truely rescued. There's no human being on this earth that can rescue you. Only you know in your heart the way out, but it takes true courage. Right now, courage has been ejected so far out of me, I can't see it.

"Good Behavior"
by Plumb

I was frozen in a fragile world
Of make believe and empty lies
Twisting the rules
Of a virtuous game

And captured by the thought of fear
And loneliness afraid to cry
Suffocating trying to scream

Cause I wanted out now
To find myself

Cause perfect only makes you crazy
there is no way that it could save me
I'm sick of feeling like a trader
Is this the price for good behavior?

Oh my naked skin
Feels the warmth of the sun
My eyes are open
To the brightness of life

I'm driven by a force so free
To live this life not paralyzed
But with reckless abandon
So now I can breath

Cause I wanted out

To find myself

Cause perfect only makes you crazy
there is no way that it could save me
I'm sick of feeling like a trader
Is this the price for good behavior?

Don't do this
Don't do that
You will be
Out abandoned

Cause perfect only makes you crazy
there is no way that it could save me
I'm sick of feeling like a trader
Is this the price for good behavior?

Sisters

Of all the ugliness and selfishness that goes on in the world, the one true beautiful thing was the relationship between Kayla and Grace. They were inseparable. Grace looked up to Kayla with all her heart. And Kayla adored Grace more than she loved herself. Now there's this huge void in Grace's life. How can a 9 year old understand why this happened. I'm an adult and I can't...I don't think I ever will. So it is now about how to deal with never understanding. I don't even know how or where to start. Imagine the circles that Grace's mind must be making. How can someone so beautiful and wonderful rip themselves from our lives? Issues of self worth are huge. I'm paralyzed with fear that I will fail with Grace.

Lost

There's a bright light
It's my beacon
Leading me through
The labyrinths try to trap me
I set my sights on my beacon
Life is not as intimidating
One day the beacon went out
Tears and darkness surrounds me
Shadows creep in
I can't find my way
Don't know why this happened
I'm scared
Am I alone?
All I have is this compass
I don't know how to use it
I will try it to cope
I will struggle and fight

sjj 10/21/2006

Surviving

I feel like I need to fight for my life. If I stop, I will lose. I don't even know where to begin. There's so many times that I feel like I'm alone...even with Troy and Grace. There are so many thoughts that race through my head. I don't even know how to verbalize. Since everyone grieves differently, I feel separated and alienated. When I try and explain to Troy what is going through my head, he tries to give a different perspective. I think it's to help get my mind on a different track. Instead, it alienates me more. I feel that in some way what I'm feeling isn't validated. I know a lot of this is due to insecurities caused by Kayla's death. I want to survive for the sake of my husband and my surviving 9 year old daughter. But I don't feel that I have the skills or resources to even start. So I rely on desperate coping skills, which only helps me stay numb. Fear of rejection keeps me in my self made cage. I want someone to hear my cries, but I'm afraid to actually cry out. So I will remain inconspicuous.

Survival

I've been stabbed
Someone call 911
Can't you see me lying here?
Life's slowly escaping
I clutch the wound
Can I control the bleeding?
Someone's coming
Will they intervene?
They walk around me
They step over me
They even kick me
Is this what I deserve?
Is this my fate?
Just need compassion
A sign that someone cares
No one can be bothered
This task is my own
I slowly crawl
Away from the scene
I find shelter
Will I heal or will I die?
This wound is so deep
I will stay here a while
And see what will become of me

sjj 10/3/2006

More Demons

I can't seem to get rid of the demons inside my head. I'm constantly brought back to the reality that I will always be less than perfect. Or should I say, far from perfect. I have the intense fear of letting people down. I feel that I'm always having to measure up to some invisible, unsaid measurement. Ever since Kayla died, I have felt like a disappointment. I feel that I let her down and that is why she is no longer with us. I should have been more supportive, more empathetic, etc. I can hear the demons yelling in my head..."You're not good enough. You never will be". I try to ignore them but I feel that there is truth in that. I know I let Troy down and he feels that I am not trustworthy. It hurts that I am that person. Then there's Grace. I'm so consumed with my grief that I know I must let her down on a daily basis. I really don't want to deal with this shit anymore. Life is the biggest downer. I'm told that people need me and I have a purpose. I really don't believe it. In fact, I feel that my existence actually does more harm than good at times. I just want to escape. Whenever I feel that I may be getting over a hurdle, there's some rude reminder around the corner waiting to slap me across the face.

Life

Chews me up
Spits me out
Kicks me in the face
Points and shout
Strips me naked
For all to see
Stabs me in the gut
Then strangles me
Runs me over
Leaves me for dead
Sees I’m still alive
Shoots me in the head

sjj 7/21/2006