More Demons

I can't seem to get rid of the demons inside my head. I'm constantly brought back to the reality that I will always be less than perfect. Or should I say, far from perfect. I have the intense fear of letting people down. I feel that I'm always having to measure up to some invisible, unsaid measurement. Ever since Kayla died, I have felt like a disappointment. I feel that I let her down and that is why she is no longer with us. I should have been more supportive, more empathetic, etc. I can hear the demons yelling in my head..."You're not good enough. You never will be". I try to ignore them but I feel that there is truth in that. I know I let Troy down and he feels that I am not trustworthy. It hurts that I am that person. Then there's Grace. I'm so consumed with my grief that I know I must let her down on a daily basis. I really don't want to deal with this shit anymore. Life is the biggest downer. I'm told that people need me and I have a purpose. I really don't believe it. In fact, I feel that my existence actually does more harm than good at times. I just want to escape. Whenever I feel that I may be getting over a hurdle, there's some rude reminder around the corner waiting to slap me across the face.

Life

Chews me up
Spits me out
Kicks me in the face
Points and shout
Strips me naked
For all to see
Stabs me in the gut
Then strangles me
Runs me over
Leaves me for dead
Sees I’m still alive
Shoots me in the head

sjj 7/21/2006