Demons and nightmares

This horrible nightmare never ends. I am in constant turmoil and extreme pain. I don't know how much longer I can keep this front up. I try so hard to "keep a stiff upper lip"...for the most part, people don't really want to know the demons eating away at us. My resistance to accepting what is real haunts me in my dreams. It's an endless pursuit of escape that never comes. I feel like a hamster running in it's wheel trying to escape. But my demons just stand there and laugh at me because I'm not moving forward.

A lot of times I wonder what Kayla is doing and is she watching. A part of me doesn't believe that she is watching. If she is truly in Heaven, how can watching the torment of your loved ones be paradise? I believe that she is truly in bliss and is unaware of what is going on here on this earth. If she only knew how ruined I am because of her absence. I try not to be such a wreck for Grace's sake. But once someone is falling to their death, how do you stop the fall? So many insecurities and doubts eating away at me. I can only hope that time will save me.

Demons

Glowing eyes of guilt stare
Through the dark loneliness
I look away
Can’t handle the nakedness
Fangs dripping with shame
Biting their way to my soul
Blood oozing from my heart
As life slowly slips away
Fear on the tips of claws
Tearing away my flesh of self worth
Exposing my strength is all an act
The screeching accusations
Howls and rings in my head
I try to shut them out
It doesn’t matter
The wings of failure sweep me away
I can’t see the ground
Now I am falling ready for impact
Oh the pain
The vultures of humility
Eat what remains
I am nothing

sjj 7/14/2006