7 years

Each year I find that the memory of how our family was gets a little harder to remember. I'm afraid that some day I won't remember. I miss Kayla so much and wish she was here. I think she would be proud of her little sister and how beautiful of a young woman she is becoming. I wish she was here to enjoy all the travels we have done, making new memories. The only thing I can do is know that we will be reunited in the end.

7 years of saying "Good-bye"

Wiping away the tears

7 years of "moving on"

Always looking back to the way we used to be

7 years of easing the pain

Breaking through the scar tissue

7 years of asking "why"

Knowing it really doesn't matter

7 years of moving farther from who I used to be

Bridging the gap to our reunion

sjj 2/28/2013

The 5th Anniversary

Today is the 5th anniversary of the day we lost our daughter, Kayla...she will forever be 17. As time passes, it gets easier to remain functional while dealing with the pain and loss. But eventually, the weight of the sorrow breaks me down...especially around her anniversary and birthday. The day she died, I didn't think I could go on...but here I am, 5 years later. I will never be the same person I was before her death. There is still anger and pain. Not only for myself, but for our other daughter. She deserves to have her older sister here to help guide her in this crazy world, especially during her teenage years. But no matter how angry or sad I get, the truth still remains...our lives must continue without our dear Kayla. With all the negative effects of her death, I am able to recognize certain positives. I have gained compassion towards the human population and the struggles they may be facing, a better perspective on what is worth getting upset about, a deeper appreciation for my family and friends, etc. I believe these positives are the best ways I can honor Kayla's life.

Avalanche Season

Snow falls down

Sticking on my lashes

Momentarily obstructing my view

Suddenly aware of the multitude of flakes falling

Emotions of solitude and melancholy settle in

This force of nature

Separates me from the world

Minutes become days

Causing the ground to become unstable

As the last flake falls

The delicate armor cracks

No hiding or escape

Only hope that survival is possible

Slowly, carefully

I dig my way to the surface

Emerging,

I realize this place will never look the same

Acknowledging the stillness that surrounds

And reflections of what I have been through

Rejuvenates the courage to remain

sjj 2/28/11

Winter

I hate winter. It's the season of death. Kayla died in the winter. And the coldness in the air reflects the emotions inside my heart. Winter is so long and the days too short. I wish my life was different. I wish Kayla was still here. But no amount of wishing will ever bring her back. The only thing I have to hold on to is that I will see her again...just not in this life. There are times when I feel that I will not make it, the pain is too much to bear. But then, I find that I survive and I made it through the winter for another season. I don't know how I do it. I think there is a force that cannot be seen or reasoned with that keeps me here.

Seasons

Winter has set in

And the days become shorter

As darkness takes over

The deep plunge begins

Braving the elements

No longer seems worth the effort

Instead
Desires of staying hidden and safe

Influence decisions of seclusion

Leading to regretted apathy
Death conquers the season

But know it will not stay

And look forward to the season of rebirth

sjj

12/11/2009

Behind the Smile

Behind the smile

A war rages

So many battles

Being fought

In the dark

There are battles

Where good and self worthiness triumphs

Yet the demons prevail in many more

They strip all the light

Leaving nothing but darkness

Alone in the dark

My soul fades

sjj 5/10/2009

Mother's Day

A day recognizing Eve

Bringing life into our world

The world smiles back in appreciation

But sorrow hides in this day

Some have been stripped

Their precious stolen

Feelings of unworthiness

Being slapped in faces

Joy in life

Grief in death

Eve's path is hidden

Incredible stregnth to endure

As we recognize Eve

sjj 5/10/2009

Moments of Reprieve

Shadows flood my world

I know there is life out there

But cannot see past the darkness

Then there are moments

The shadows part

Light streams in

I can see beautiful wonders

Happiness dancing before me

I feel love

Holding on to the moment

As the shadows close in again

It's the moments of reprieve

That keeps me alive

- sjj 4/30/2009

My whole world is the pain inside me...the best I can do is just get through the day

Tomorrow will be the 3rd anniversary of Kayla's death. It's a day that has changed my family's life forever. I am another year farther away from the person I used to be. The emptiness inside of me is swallowing the life out of me. I can't stop thinking of ending pain. There are moments when I don't know if I'll be able to resist the urge. I want to talk about it, but there's already too much stress going on...I don''t want to add to it. So I silently fight to stay alive. At what point do I say I need help...when I actually put the noose around my neck? I don't want to leave Grace motherless. But the pain is all consuming...I can't think of anything else. I feel like I'm bringing my family down with my black heart. I hate myself and I think I'm totally disgusting. I've let everyone down that loved Kayla. It should have been me that died, not Kayla. I miss her and don't know how much more I can go on like this.

Disaster

Your death drained life,
And pain crashed down
More powerful than anything felt before
I fight for my life
Resisting all urges to give up
The waves from that tsunami
Has long since receded
Yet the damage remains
The landscape of our family
No longer recognizable
What was once secure
Is now a pile of rubble
So many pieces scattered everywhere
Restoration an impossible vision
Nothing
Will ever be the same
Nothing
Will ever seem right
And yet I remain
Learning to live in this scarred environment

sjj 2/18/2009

I want to die

The 3rd anniversary of Kayla's death is approaching. It does not get easier as time goes on. In fact, I feel the pain intensify. I don't know how much more of this hell I can take. I know if I was still in that fucking job, I would have probably hung myself by now. So I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to leave...thank you, Troy. But the roller coaster of pain it is too much. One day I'm feeling like I can survive and live out my days. The next, I'm in the abyss and the pain is crushing the life out of me. And at times, I feel like I might not resist the urge to give up. I hate myself for so many reasons. I want to kill myself, end this pain and end the damage I may cause my family from the blackness in my heart.