Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death...

Grief is so complicated. Let alone having to process our daughter's suicide. I'm such a wreck and feel very isolated and alone right now. I can't trust my feelings. I start to question the definition of the Quality of Life. How do you know if your life is of quality and is it still worth living if it's not? I struggle with feelings of self worth. I wonder what am I contributing to this thing called life. Do I help or harm my loved ones. And does it even matter. In a 100 years, we will all be gone no one will even know I existed. All I really know is that the "Here and Now" is full of pain. I can only hope that I will come out a survivor and not another victim.

The Edge

Here I am again

On the edge of a precipice

Overlooking a deep valley

The edge frightens me

So many hazards

I could slip and fall

Winds of grief howl in my ears

Can’t shake the voices out

As I stumble

I notice how peaceful it looks down there

It looks so still

As I lean forward

I can feel courage sneak away

I would not survive the landing

My course has been changed

Knowing the decision

Will need to be made again

sjj 12/15/2006

"Tis the Season?

It's so hard to get into the Christmas season. I don't want to be involved. I don't want to celebrate when Kayla is dead. But at the same time, I need to make this holiday as nice as possible for our daughter Grace (9 yrs). We can't let Kayla's death take the joys out of life for Grace. It's so hard to be happy when Kayla was so unhappy that she decided this world wasn't for her anymore. As a mother, you feel that it's your duty to make the world right for your children. When that doesn't become true, you feel that you failed your one and only job. I need to set an example for Grace that we need to find a way to survive. Even though, many days, I don't want to go on. I want to give up because the pain is neverending. Then I think that this is must be what Kayla was feeling and that makes me very sad. We all miss her so much.


Christmas 2005

Merry Christmas, Little Star

Our bright shining star
What happened?
Your light extinguished
Blindly, we grope
Hoping to find each other
We are forced to go on
With only recollections of your brightness
Experience no longer an option
We long to feel the warmth
Radiating from your life
Artificial lights surrounding us
Never comparing to your brilliance
But their attempts
Bring our thoughts to you
Love…Family…Hope

sjj 12/10/2006