Sick of Myself!

I hate myself!!!! I try and be a better person but I always slip into the freaky, crappy Sara-mode. Everytime that happens, I end up hating myself even more!!!! The disappointment is absolutely unbearable. I'm sick of life and sick of screwing it up for everyone. There's no point in denying that life would be more pleasant without my psycho self. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of looking in from the outside and feeling like an alien. When I smile and laugh, it's all fake. Inside my head I can hear my voice telling myself that it's only a matter of time...how long will you be able to hang in there? I want to get out of this pit but find that it's impossible. I'm tired of the rest of the world going on around me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I can barely cook meals for my family. Let alone be a productive member of society.

"Save Me" – Unwritten Law

Had a bad day, don't talk to me,

gonna ride this out,

My little black heart, breaks apart,

with your big mouth.

And I'm sick of my sickness

Don't touch me, you'll get this.

I'm useless, lazy, perverted,

and you hate me.

You can't save me,

You can't change me,

Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call,

And everything, everything's my fault

Went to the doctor, and I asked her,

to make this stop.

Got medication, a new addiction,

Fucking thanks a lot.

I had to relapse, I'm bad at rehabs

It ruins everything.

So point your finger, at the singer,

[She's] in the pharmacy.

You can't save me,

You can't change me,

Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,

and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,

You can't blame me,

Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,

and everything, and everything's my fault.

And I'm a death threat, haven't slept yet,

Baby why the wake up call

I'm the bad [girl] tell the tabloids

everything's my fault.

write it, write it,

everything's my fault,

everything's my fault.

I went to heaven, but couldn't get in,

For what I have done.

I said please take me, they said you're crazy

you had too much fun.

You can't save me,

You can't change me,

Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,

and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,

You can't blame me,

Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,

and everything, everything's my fault.

Reactions

I believe that our lives are determined by reactions. I have finally able to admit to myself that I'm severely depressed. My depression has caused multiple reactions from myself and those around me. I am consumed with this pain that is no longer focused on Kayla. Kayla is still a big part of it. But I find that it has caused a reaction within myself towards self hate. I don't know how to deal with it or change it. So I end up lashing out at people and saying things that I regret immediately. I can see the disappointment of the faces of others when they're dealing with me. And the pain perpetuates and I fall deeper into the Depression trench. I end up alienating myself because I hate myself and I have a hard time faking it. My lack of ability to "cheer up" is not very pleasant for those around me. Then I start to doubt about my self worth.

Depression

Pain and emptiness strangles me

I try and break free

And find that I am a prisoner

Poison spews out of my mouth

Futile attempts of defense

Alienation convinces me to its ways

Loneliness greets me with open arms

Looking at the damage

Regret and self hate takes over

Doubt speaks to me

No one can love such a creature

I am selfish and out of control

Forgiveness, my only redemption

An impossibility for the broken hearted

sjj 3/16/2007

Not so Golden

I have to admit that at one point I had an obsession with the Golden Gate Bridge suicides. This brought my attention to the on going debate over a suicide barrier. There was a study done on 515 people who attempted suicide on the Golden Gate but were restrained. Around 94% never made any further attempts. So I became curious to what made that bridge so desirable...what kind of people chose that destination...and were their deaths preventable.

After much pondering, I've come to a conclusion, there are two types of suiciders. There are those who have been battling various demons and they can't find any refuge. They are slowly dying and they are aware of it. So they decide to take control the only way they know how, end the pain forever. They carefully plan their exit and intervention is highly unlikely. And then there are those who are highly impulsive. They've probably been experiencing trying times and the future seems bleak. When suddenly, something happens or is said that causes them to believe it's better to end it all. It is this group that invention can be highly effective. I believe that the 515 were the impulsive. They displayed subliminal warning signals because deep down, they weren't 100% sure this was the answer. I believe that the first group are more purposeful with their lethal intentions. They walk to the most accessible and lethal spot and without hesitation, throw themselves into the void.

So when you look at this philosophy, a suicide barrier is very controversial. It will cost millions just to fund the research. A huge suspension bridge is sensitive to the wind effects of structural changes. Would spending this huge amount of money really impact the suicide rates? When you look around your own community, you see that there are plenty of structures to throw yourself off of. I live in a city that has the Mississippi winding through it. The River has multiple bridges crossing it. If I really wanted to do myself in, I don't need the Golden Gate Bridge. I think if people truly want to end it, they will find whatever resources to satisfy their needs.

Dear Golden Gate Bridge

I don’t need you anymore
I was blinded by the publicity
Because you have the numbers
You think you can be destiny
Publicly, there may be no other
Privately, you’re all the same
Life suddenly becomes dangerous

sjj 3/6/2007