Not another year

Kayla,
Another year has gone by without you. So much has changed since you left. We're not the same people and we never will be...even though that's how we try to act with others. I try and hide my tears, especially from those that love me...because I know that my pain causes them pain. I continue to struggle with the guilt that I could not keep you here any longer. Everyone tells me that it it's not my fault. But do they really believe that? I'm your mother. If anybody should have known the extent of pain you were in, it should have been me. But then I'm reminded that your death had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you and your demons. But your pain did not end, it was only passed on to your family and friends left behind. Do you remember how Grace was inseparable from you? Well, now she doesn't even say your name and is uncomfortable talking about you. Her pain is silent where mine is worn on my sleeve. I don't want to go one more day in this nightmare...but I have been forced to live like this. We miss you so much and await our reunion.

Love always, Mom

730

Pain slaps me in the face
Reminding me of the day you left us
The second anniversary…730 days
My life will never be the same
How can one day change life forever?

Never going back to ”Ok”
Never going to be easy again
My tears flow for so many reasons
But in the end,
I’m crying because you’re gone
I’m choking on grief
At times I feel that I may suffocate
Your absence has left an enormous hole
Leaving an impossible task,
As others try to fill it
Every inch of my soul misses you
The longing to be with you
Grows as each day passes
Anticipation for our reunion
Grabs a hold on my heart
As I hold back from leaping into your arms

sjj 1/28/2008

How will it be?

When I'm gone,

I know you will miss me...

My kisses, my smile, my voice,

My love for you.

But will you miss

My inner struggles and insecurities?

The fear and doubt seen in my eyes?

Will you be able to carry on

Knowing I can no longer live with life

Or

Will you celebrate my freedom,

Even though the price seems high?

sjj 2/19/2008

What's my problem?

Everytime I walk into work I think, "I want to kill myself". I don't know what my problem is. It's just a fucking job. Why do these sickening feelings stir when I drive up to the lot? Then when I step into the office, those words are screaming in my head. I'm such a freak. What's so horrible here? And yet I feel that I would have a mental breakdown from working. If I didn't have Troy, I would probably end up like those mentally ill homeless people out on the sidewalk. The majority of our society can go to work, even hate it their jobs and not be as pathetic as me.

No Cure

The world contiues to rotate while I'm in a state of suspension. I can't overcome my fears, insecurities and guilt. I feel that I can no longer handle disappointment. And yet life is full of disappointments. I feel that my incapability of being normal is hurting our family. I try to conceal my weaknesses by acting all is good. But in the end I breakdown by being irritable or emotional. I know that this makes it hard to live with me. How can my family move on if we are a unit and I'm stuck? So I try and distance myself from them to see if they can move forward without me. It hurts to watch this but I feel that it's the right thing to do. I need to allow them to deal with their own emotions without having to worry about mine. No one wants to admit that I'm poison, but I know they can feel it. My medications only suppress the shit from surfacing. But if I let it surface, I will infect those around and possibly make them sick. Will the pain of staying be greater than the pain of leaving? I don't know anymore.

Fears

You witness the flood waters rush in

As you run for safety,

You realize that not everyone will make it

As I fight for my life

I can see you running back fro me

The current takes hold and carries me away

Be careful

As you too can be swept up

Don't let the rescuer become the victim

There are others closer to the edge of safety

You need to focus on them

As they will not drag you in

Sadly, I drift farther from safety

I will not let others drown trying to rescue me

As the landscapes change and darken

I know that I must be alone

sjj 1/30/2008