Trapped

Society continues to move forward as I'm stuck in my world, a world that is full of the pain inside me. I can't escape the day that Kayla died. Everything I do, think or say is because of her death. I will never move on or get over it. People may have a hard time dealing with my pain and may have the best intentions when they give "advice". I would rather they not say anything than clumsy words of comfort. It only draws my attention to the fact that I am not a part of their world...that I am trapped in my grief stricken world. We are all given the right to pursue happiness. That right was stripped away from me on 2/28/2006. I will never be completely happy in this life. This is not taking anything away from my wonderful husband and daughter. This is merely a reflection of my inadequate spirit. But I will continue to struggle to survive for my husband and daughter. My biggest fear is that the fight will leave and I will ruin them.

Struggle

An abyss of emptiness stares out

Leviathans hunting any forms of life

Choking out chances of growth

Only darkness can be seen

The pressure of this reality

Causes the soul to implode

Surfacing is inconceivable

Sustainability limited

Death eventually takes hold

Finally I have surfaced

sjj - 1/21/2008

To Maggie, a dear woman

I've been on a horrible journey...trying to survive the death of my beautiful daughter. I have been fortunate to find a compassionate grief group. So many broken hearts caused by the unnatural circle of life...our children died way before their time. We're left with the ashes of the fire that raged through our lives. Choking from poisonous air, we cling to life. So enveloped in my own pain, I am paralysed to reach out. But through the pain, a courageous and loving woman stepped up to me. From the outside, you could see that she too was crippled with pain. And physically, she looked to be almost frail. However, my soul was able to see the huge heart inside of her. She wanted to let me know that some days will be tolerable...it's never too late to hope. She was honest enough to let me know that it is normal to turn to the bottle when experiencing extreme pain. She projected amazing understanding, when my own mother can't understand why I cope the way I do. I looked up to how compassionate she could be while caring her grief. I will never forget her. Even though many are sad and will miss her dearly, my heart can't help but smile a little. She's finally hugging and kissing her precious son.

The Rise of the Phoenix

Soaring above the world

Taking in all its beauty

Life is balanced and good

Something in the distance pulls her

As she gets closer she sees

A raging fire

It devours all the life around it

The heart in her chest cracks

Life slowly bleeds out

The heat of the flames start pulling her in

She knows this is it

And plunges in the center of it all

The fire quiets and the ashes smolder

Brushing off the ashes

Transformation is clearly visible

She's experienced death

Now it's her turn to bless others

What a beautiful creature

She will soar for a thousand years

And we will wait our turn

- sjj 1/10/2008 - written in honor of Maggie Collins