I want to die

The 3rd anniversary of Kayla's death is approaching. It does not get easier as time goes on. In fact, I feel the pain intensify. I don't know how much more of this hell I can take. I know if I was still in that fucking job, I would have probably hung myself by now. So I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to leave...thank you, Troy. But the roller coaster of pain it is too much. One day I'm feeling like I can survive and live out my days. The next, I'm in the abyss and the pain is crushing the life out of me. And at times, I feel like I might not resist the urge to give up. I hate myself for so many reasons. I want to kill myself, end this pain and end the damage I may cause my family from the blackness in my heart.