Crossroads (Link)
I can't control what comes out of my mouth. I can't control my emotions. I find that lack of control is pushing people away and find that I'm alone. I end up having no one to talk to anymore...because who really wants to? I can't deal with things on my own, but have no choice. Do you get angry at people dying of cancer? Do you blame them for not overcoming their disease? I can't force people to understand. They all believe that I should be able to "snap" out of it. Since I am unable, the issue makes me more aware of how alone I am. I realize that my state of mind is only bringing pain to those around me. I truly wonder if they would not be better off without me. Of course they will be sad and crushed. But I believe after the initial pain, they will move on. They will heal and become better people...something I cannot do. I understand that there are treatments for depression...but like other diseases, there is no cure. So those that succumb to cancer, are they lesser people? Do they deserve to be looked upon with shame? There is so much pain that is being buried on a daily basis that it can become overwhelming at times. Those are the times where I seriously doubt my survival. Since I have no outlet for my pain, I find myself trapped inside myself for hours on end. And the world sees me as bringing this all upon myself. I really don't know what I can do anymore.
My Life Without You
I am a different person from what you remembered
You may not recognize me
Half my heart was ripped out
The other half struggles to sustain life
My eyes no longer sparkle
They have grown dull with pain
Laughing was so much easier
Now I find I cannot stop crying
Once confident
I am now full with insecurities
They have become my demons
Living in the present is too hard
I find myself lingering in the past,
A place where things were right
I used to be surrounded by friends and family
They have scattered
I now find comfort among strangers
Strangers that are also trying to survive with half a heart
Sometimes you may hear a collective cry
We are calling out to our babies,
Wondering where do we go from here
I am a different person from what you remembered
You may not recognize me
Half my heart was ripped out
The other half struggles to sustain life
My eyes no longer sparkle
They have grown dull with pain
Laughing was so much easier
Now I find I cannot stop crying
Once confident
I am now full with insecurities
They have become my demons
Living in the present is too hard
I find myself lingering in the past,
A place where things were right
I used to be surrounded by friends and family
They have scattered
I now find comfort among strangers
Strangers that are also trying to survive with half a heart
Sometimes you may hear a collective cry
We are calling out to our babies,
Wondering where do we go from here
sjj 7/1/2008
posted by Sara | 8:41 AM
1 Comments:
Dear Sara, Do you know about POS? It's a Yahoo Group of parents who have lost children to suicide. It's private and very well moderated. No one will try to tell you to to "get over it" or to "move on because, as parents, we know that's impossible. We don't seem to be able to use the word "heal" much either. But I was told early on that, while it never "heals" we do "get used to it" and learn to "live" with it. I know "life" will never be the same and that doesn't sound very comforting but, it does help. So does being with people who REALLY DO understand.
And if you need a place to talk about the pain or about your dear daughter it is welcomed. I feel like I know some of the children who are there "in spirit" at POS, better than I do the people in my own family. And I know I love them just as much, they seem closer than family. It's a place where I feel my son can still live. I bring him there and brag about his at length.
If you're interested here's a link:
http://www.parentsofsuicide.com/parents.html
And one to a memorial page for my beloved son, Joey, who died on the subway tracks in NYC on September 17,2007 at around 2;30 in the morning. Half of me went with him. So far, I've managed to survive for the sake of my other son, Mike, and.....as a tribute to Joey but it IS a day by day thing, I know.
http://joseph-howell.memory-of.com/About.aspx
Wishing you Peace and "visitations". (if you want them;)
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