Not another year

Kayla,
Another year has gone by without you. So much has changed since you left. We're not the same people and we never will be...even though that's how we try to act with others. I try and hide my tears, especially from those that love me...because I know that my pain causes them pain. I continue to struggle with the guilt that I could not keep you here any longer. Everyone tells me that it it's not my fault. But do they really believe that? I'm your mother. If anybody should have known the extent of pain you were in, it should have been me. But then I'm reminded that your death had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you and your demons. But your pain did not end, it was only passed on to your family and friends left behind. Do you remember how Grace was inseparable from you? Well, now she doesn't even say your name and is uncomfortable talking about you. Her pain is silent where mine is worn on my sleeve. I don't want to go one more day in this nightmare...but I have been forced to live like this. We miss you so much and await our reunion.

Love always, Mom

730

Pain slaps me in the face
Reminding me of the day you left us
The second anniversary…730 days
My life will never be the same
How can one day change life forever?

Never going back to ”Ok”
Never going to be easy again
My tears flow for so many reasons
But in the end,
I’m crying because you’re gone
I’m choking on grief
At times I feel that I may suffocate
Your absence has left an enormous hole
Leaving an impossible task,
As others try to fill it
Every inch of my soul misses you
The longing to be with you
Grows as each day passes
Anticipation for our reunion
Grabs a hold on my heart
As I hold back from leaping into your arms

sjj 1/28/2008