One more Christmas without Kayla

This is the second year without Kayla. Last year was the shock waves of her absence. This year it's about the reality of never seeing her again, in this world. It's about not knowing how to deal with this truth. I don't want to go on anymore. Any kind of therapy is pointless. At the same time, the agony that I would cause Grace and Troy is heart breaking. These two forces are at war inside of me everyday. I want to overcome all this pain and sickness within my soul. And yet I feel that I am losing this battle. I believe after this life I will see Kayla again and only then will the war be won.

The Night Before Christmas

Tucked behind shadows and pain
I can still feel your exit
I search for the light of your existence
But the shadows grow long,
As the pain continues to cripple me
The trenches of my memory fill with poison
So I cry from fear and pain
At times, I can hear your voice in a faint dream
Or the corner of my eye catches you fluttering by
The tricks of the mind are sick and twisted
My reality is ripping me apart,
As it searches for yesterday
One step away from Heaven
Will you greet me with open arms?

sjj 12/24/2007