Unbearable

Life continues and I'm still here. I find that the pain of both Sheila's and Kayla's suicides effects me deeply. I truly miss them and wish they were here enjoying the life they deserve. They didn't deserve to feel alienated, alone and in pain. If they were feeling anything that I'm feeling, I can understand how it seemed unbearable. I am currently struggling with the strength to hang on. How can someone not even have a clue of how much pain these people were going through for so long? What kind of ego centric person am I? I feel that my depression is slowly destroying my family. Eventually, they will resent me for all the pain and suffering my weakness has brought to them. I don't think I could live with seeing that. I don't see a way out and I don't believe that the pain will get better. I hate being such a weak person. Troy seems to be surviving...at least there's one healthy person in our broken family. I just want to be free of this pain!

The Descent

I look to the future
Hopelessness shadows everything
Darkness surrounds me
Breathing no longer easy
Waiting for the blade to be extracted
Only knowing the bleeding will continue
Can’t believe in “Words of Comfort”
Only I know the reality of my pain
Faith reassures promises of final peace
But only until it’s too late
I want to smash this existence
Watch pieces of me scatter
See the pain released

sjj 6/1/2007