Reactions

I believe that our lives are determined by reactions. I have finally able to admit to myself that I'm severely depressed. My depression has caused multiple reactions from myself and those around me. I am consumed with this pain that is no longer focused on Kayla. Kayla is still a big part of it. But I find that it has caused a reaction within myself towards self hate. I don't know how to deal with it or change it. So I end up lashing out at people and saying things that I regret immediately. I can see the disappointment of the faces of others when they're dealing with me. And the pain perpetuates and I fall deeper into the Depression trench. I end up alienating myself because I hate myself and I have a hard time faking it. My lack of ability to "cheer up" is not very pleasant for those around me. Then I start to doubt about my self worth.

Depression

Pain and emptiness strangles me

I try and break free

And find that I am a prisoner

Poison spews out of my mouth

Futile attempts of defense

Alienation convinces me to its ways

Loneliness greets me with open arms

Looking at the damage

Regret and self hate takes over

Doubt speaks to me

No one can love such a creature

I am selfish and out of control

Forgiveness, my only redemption

An impossibility for the broken hearted

sjj 3/16/2007