Ocean of Grief

I feel that grief has isolated me from the rest of the world. Even with my husband, I feel that I am alone. This has nothing to do with anything he has done but has everything to do with my insecurities. There are so many dark thoughts that run through my head. I am ashamed that they are brewing there. My shame separates me from everyone else. I want to rise above it. But there is a weight dragging me down. I find that most of the time I am trying to run away from reality. Since I can't change what has happened, I try to ignore or deny what I can until I find the strength to deal. I find though that a lot of the time I don't have any strength. There's the strong urge to give up. But then there's the small hope that something will change. That the grief will not be so raw. But how long does one hang on to hope. At what point does one simply say enough?

Lost at Sea

Grief has swept me out to sea
I’m lonely and lost
Haven’t seen land for days
How did I get here?
How do I get back?
Don’t even know
Which direction to turn
Beasts swimming below
Waiting to devour me
I welcome the mirages
Life looking like it should
But the images do not last
Reality burns into me
I want to give in
Tired of this aimless existence
But what if tomorrow I spot land?
What if tomorrow is different?
Will my loved ones weep
Discovering my washed up body?
Or will they rejoice
Seeing me crawl up to shore
A survivor?

sjj 11/10/2006