Surviving

I feel like I need to fight for my life. If I stop, I will lose. I don't even know where to begin. There's so many times that I feel like I'm alone...even with Troy and Grace. There are so many thoughts that race through my head. I don't even know how to verbalize. Since everyone grieves differently, I feel separated and alienated. When I try and explain to Troy what is going through my head, he tries to give a different perspective. I think it's to help get my mind on a different track. Instead, it alienates me more. I feel that in some way what I'm feeling isn't validated. I know a lot of this is due to insecurities caused by Kayla's death. I want to survive for the sake of my husband and my surviving 9 year old daughter. But I don't feel that I have the skills or resources to even start. So I rely on desperate coping skills, which only helps me stay numb. Fear of rejection keeps me in my self made cage. I want someone to hear my cries, but I'm afraid to actually cry out. So I will remain inconspicuous.

Survival

I've been stabbed
Someone call 911
Can't you see me lying here?
Life's slowly escaping
I clutch the wound
Can I control the bleeding?
Someone's coming
Will they intervene?
They walk around me
They step over me
They even kick me
Is this what I deserve?
Is this my fate?
Just need compassion
A sign that someone cares
No one can be bothered
This task is my own
I slowly crawl
Away from the scene
I find shelter
Will I heal or will I die?
This wound is so deep
I will stay here a while
And see what will become of me

sjj 10/3/2006