My Purpose

As life remains painful and unbearable at times, I find myself hanging on. The reason...Grace. Don't misunderstand me, I love my husband and he doesn't matter any less than Grace. However, I believe that as an adult, he has the emotional tools to eventually move on. Grace does not have the necessary emotional resources to rebuild her life into a healthy adult. I believe that if I end up leaving now, it would seriously doom her future stability. The last thing I want to do is destroy her. With that said, there are some uncontrollable urges and deep ravines that I continue to experience on a daily basis. I hide behind this miserable mask of adequacy...like everything is tolerable. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I don't choose or want to be in this miserable, lonely hell. There is an invisible hold on my spirit and I can feel the gasp tighten. When I get ready for work, I have to stare at myself in the mirror for at least 30 minutes. And the whole time all I can think of is "I'm going to kill you!" Then I feel so disgusted and ashamed that I'm thinking this way. I feel that there is no immediate threat that I will act. I just feel that I am slowly dying and pray that I can hold on long enough for Grace to become a strong woman and not despaired.