Agony

It seems that I can't be happy no matter how hard I try. And what ends up coming out of my mouth is nothing but pure venom. I feel that no one wants to be with me anymore...at least not talk with me about what's truly going on in my head. And who can blame them. I feel that I'm buried alive in myself and no one can hear me scream. I don't want to be alone. But when I look around to see who's around to talk with me or just silently sit with me, there's no one. Trying to deal with my pain and personal demons on my own has only created agony. I want to be supported, but in the end, there's no one that is up to the task. Am I really that impossible to be around? Well a fool could answer that question. How much longer can my family take of my pathetic life? I'm always searching...searching for something...anything...to take the pain away, to fill the void. But there is nothing. I can see everyone else is moving forward. I'm in my private hell. Accusations are being screamed at me in my head. The mirror cruelly reflects the truth. In my reflection, I can see the disgusting being that is trying to get by in life. When people ask how I'm doing, I say, "I'm fine"...I'm a liar. I lie everyday to anybody that asks. Only because I know that they really don't want to hear my drama. It's society's polite way of acting like you care when you really don't. I know that my family doesn't understand me and find me quite dreadful. If my family, the people that are supposed to love me the most, can't deal with the real me...how is the rest of the world going to receive me? The world won't. It will reject me like it has a thousand times. I'm a freak and so you won't talk to me anymore. It's all the same small talk. I've learned that as long as I don't breakdown (at least in front of the world), the peace will remain. But once I start acting up, the urge to shake some sense in me arises. But I have all my senses...that's the problem.

"The darkness is death - we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. They can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work the way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves." - Dana Christene Umanetz