Forget I ever existed

I hate myself more than anyone can imagine. I'm entirely consumed with the pain and loss of Kayla. I cannot escape it. It's coming up to the anniversary of Sheila's suicide. So the pain of losing her is also compounded on top of the pain that I carry for Kayla. It's almost too much to bear. I'm confused, hurt, angry and TIRED. I can't control the mess inside of me so it starts dumping out. Those around me are disgusted/appalled that I am so inappropriate. They wonder why am I letting myself turn into this beast. When in fact, the beast lives in me and I can't control it...it jumps out of me and attacks those around me. I try and recapture it and put it back where it belongs. But it is too late, everyone has seen what lives inside of me and confuses it for who I am. I want all this pain to end. I can't even remember what I was like before Kayla died. I have become unrecognizable. When I die, I want people to forget I even existed. My life means nothing.

The Beast

Pain, doubt and guilt are the feeding grounds

The resources are unlimited

As the beast continues to grow

It produces toxic waste

The poison starts to destroy the landscape

It becomes the perfect environment for the beast

It's living quarters start to become cramped

It must break free

It starts to thrash and destroy it's world

I grow tired trying to contain it

It's head emerges

All can see how completely hideous it is

Sharp horns of insults,

Ready to pierce your heart

Scorching eyes burn guilt into your forehead

Fangs snapping to rip your life away

I gather strength

Spectators watch in horror

I start to bleed as I fight the beast

I know the world cannot take him on

Ferociously he fights, taking chunks of my flesh with him

I finally contain him

Back into the world that he belongs

Everyone is safe for now

Why do they still stare?

So disfigured from the fight

I now resemble the beast

I am the beast

sjj 5/19/2008