Dedicated to the One I Love

As we are forced to drudge through this poison...aka life, there seems to be a force working that can't be denied. It reaches out to grab you off the edge of a precipice, it attempts to heal your wounds by giving kisses to your soul and it performs CPR in a desperate attempt to restore life. This force is none other than Love itself. It is selfless and will do whatever it takes to restore the injured soul. Love is unconditional. No matter how much you try to reject it, it will always come back to offer its comfort. Love does not believe in giving up. It's persistence can be maddening. But you can be reassured that it won't turn its back on you when you need it the most. If I can only be half as reliable. I only see this quality in one person. I have complete trust and faith that I will not be abandoned...even if that is best. I'm ashamed to say that because I'm such an emotional wreck, I can't offer the same support. My heart bleeds because I can't as stable as I need to be. My Love deserves something better, something I'm afraid I'm incapable of delivering.

“There for You” – Damian Marley

Vexation of spirit is a waste of time

Negative thinking, don't you waste your thoughts

Verbal conflict is a waste of word

Physical conflict is a waste of flesh

People will always be who they want

And that's what really makes the world go round

Unconditional love is scarce

Now and forever more

Forever more, forever more...

You see, you gave precious life to me

So I live my life for you...

You see, you've always been there for me

And so i'll be there for you...

Bless your eyes and may your days be long

May you rise on the morning when His kingdom come

Good deeds aren't remembered in the hearts of men

Bless your eyes and may your dreams come true

May you rise on the morning when Jah kingdom come

Good deeds aren't remembered in the hearts of men

Now and forever more

Forever more...

You see, you've always had faith in me

And so i'll have faith in you…

You've always been there for me

And so i'll be there for you...

You've always been good to me

Even when i'm not good to myself

You've always been fair to me

Even when i'm not fair to myself

You've always done right by me

So I will do right by you...

You've always been there for me, mama

So i'll be there for you, papa

You've always been fair to me, brother

And so i'll be fair to you, sister

You've always had faith in me

And so i'll have faith in you...

You've always been good to me

You've always been to kind to me

You've always stood up for me

You've always been there for me

You've always been...

You've always been...

You always did care for me...

You always did share with me...

You always been true to me

And so i'll be true to you...

The Inevitable

My psychiatrist added one more medication to my medley. So now I'm on an anti-depressant, sleeping pills, tranquilizers and now a mood stabilizer. I must say the last addition has really controlled my mood swings. I am no longer uncontrollably irritable. Which I'm sure my family is grateful for. Even under chemical suppression, I still feel an underlying doom. There's still dissatisfaction with my life. But I can't exactly focus on it because of the haze of medication. I still believe that I will eventually off myself. It may be years down the road, but I still feel it coming. I feel extremely guilty that I still feel that way. I don't want to hurt my family, but in the end I fear that I will. There's so much unrest and pain in my soul that probably won't extinguish until I do.

Imagine:

To stand on top of the highest cliff,

To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements,

The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.

The beauty of the abyss,

The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay,

Looking down into oblivion and voidness.

The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.

Standing there,

Feeling eternity in a restricted world,

Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

To draw the final breath,

To make that little step,

To know, that for once a decision was made,

To feel one foot above the abyss,

To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,

To feel losing balance,

To fall,

To gain speed,

To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,

To feel the cold wind violently caress you,

To see the ground coming closer,

To scream in orgiastic excitement,

To know what you have done,

To know that you have done something for once.

Maybe even: To doubt,

To regret,

To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.

Mercilessly

To fly into annihilation,

To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,

Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, devine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

A worthy payment for endless agony

No more endless, unbearable pain.

No more routine.

No more repetition.

No more

-- Peace

To sleep, perchance to dream,

To give in to tiredness,

To fall asleep,

To find solace,

No more agony.

To end.

The end.