Still Learning to say Good-Bye

My husband (Troy), daughter (Grace) and I went out to California to visit Troy's sister (Shelly). Shelly was very close to Kayla. They would always talk about Kayla coming out there when she turned 18 and travel together. Unfortunately, that never happened or will ever. The main purpose of our trip was to spread Kayla's ashes out by Shelly. As expected, it was extremely difficult. We chose to spread her ashes at Muir Beach, outside of San Francisco, on Saturday 11/25. Kayla now has a beautiful view of both Alaska (http://dragonflywannabe.blogspot.com/2006/08/starting-to-say-good-bye.html) and California.

Revelations 21:1-4

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Ocean of Grief

I feel that grief has isolated me from the rest of the world. Even with my husband, I feel that I am alone. This has nothing to do with anything he has done but has everything to do with my insecurities. There are so many dark thoughts that run through my head. I am ashamed that they are brewing there. My shame separates me from everyone else. I want to rise above it. But there is a weight dragging me down. I find that most of the time I am trying to run away from reality. Since I can't change what has happened, I try to ignore or deny what I can until I find the strength to deal. I find though that a lot of the time I don't have any strength. There's the strong urge to give up. But then there's the small hope that something will change. That the grief will not be so raw. But how long does one hang on to hope. At what point does one simply say enough?

Lost at Sea

Grief has swept me out to sea
I’m lonely and lost
Haven’t seen land for days
How did I get here?
How do I get back?
Don’t even know
Which direction to turn
Beasts swimming below
Waiting to devour me
I welcome the mirages
Life looking like it should
But the images do not last
Reality burns into me
I want to give in
Tired of this aimless existence
But what if tomorrow I spot land?
What if tomorrow is different?
Will my loved ones weep
Discovering my washed up body?
Or will they rejoice
Seeing me crawl up to shore
A survivor?

sjj 11/10/2006