Forget I ever existed

I hate myself more than anyone can imagine. I'm entirely consumed with the pain and loss of Kayla. I cannot escape it. It's coming up to the anniversary of Sheila's suicide. So the pain of losing her is also compounded on top of the pain that I carry for Kayla. It's almost too much to bear. I'm confused, hurt, angry and TIRED. I can't control the mess inside of me so it starts dumping out. Those around me are disgusted/appalled that I am so inappropriate. They wonder why am I letting myself turn into this beast. When in fact, the beast lives in me and I can't control it...it jumps out of me and attacks those around me. I try and recapture it and put it back where it belongs. But it is too late, everyone has seen what lives inside of me and confuses it for who I am. I want all this pain to end. I can't even remember what I was like before Kayla died. I have become unrecognizable. When I die, I want people to forget I even existed. My life means nothing.

The Beast

Pain, doubt and guilt are the feeding grounds

The resources are unlimited

As the beast continues to grow

It produces toxic waste

The poison starts to destroy the landscape

It becomes the perfect environment for the beast

It's living quarters start to become cramped

It must break free

It starts to thrash and destroy it's world

I grow tired trying to contain it

It's head emerges

All can see how completely hideous it is

Sharp horns of insults,

Ready to pierce your heart

Scorching eyes burn guilt into your forehead

Fangs snapping to rip your life away

I gather strength

Spectators watch in horror

I start to bleed as I fight the beast

I know the world cannot take him on

Ferociously he fights, taking chunks of my flesh with him

I finally contain him

Back into the world that he belongs

Everyone is safe for now

Why do they still stare?

So disfigured from the fight

I now resemble the beast

I am the beast

sjj 5/19/2008

Life's a tragedy

If we could only forget those that are no longer with us, it would be so much easier. But I find that memories are continually haunting me...holding me captive in this dark world. I find that I am constantly thinking of Kayla. I think of her EVERY waking hour. These past few days I find Sheila in those thoughts as well. I will never understand their deaths. I find that I have been reduced to an unrecognizable entity. I want to be so much more than I am. I don't want to be this crippled mess anymore. Sadly, I can't escape the pain, guilt, regret, insecurities, anger, etc. Everywhere I turn, they are waiting around the corner for me. I will be haunted as long as I live.

My Immortal - Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face

It haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice

It chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies

"How's it going?" That seems to come out of every one's mouth. But I wonder if they really want to know. I don't think so. The same goes for family members. They don't want to hear that you're in constant pain and don't know how to move forward. They don't want to know that you think about death on a daily basis. Because once you let any of that information leak out, they all panic and want to send you to the shrink immediately...as long as they don't have to deal with your problems. Or they can alienate you. I definitely prefer the latter. I'm the queen of Alien-Nation! But I'm finding out that being a citizen of that country can also be scary at times. I'll be crawling through the trenches or walking down a dark alley of depression and feel that I have been abandoned. What can you expect? I've become a downer and hard to live with...so naturally, no one wants to hang around anymore. It becomes a vicious downward spiral. Weariness/fear of being alone causes careless communication. After being isolated within myself, I can't help but dump out all my emotions. Then there it is...a big pile of stinking shit. It stinks to bad that it drives people away and you find that maybe you're better off containing your shit. You end up being deported back to Alien-Nation. How much longer can a person tolerate being exiled?