One year ago...

Kayla's death anniversary is just around the corner. One year ago today, Kayla was still alive and a physical part of our lives. We never imagined that she wouldn't be. The past year has been the hardest ever to endure. There are so many more left in front of me that it is very overwhelming. I don't want to go one more day without Kayla, but I'm forced to go on countless days. I don't like being forced into this life. I don't even remember what I was like before Kayla died. Was laughing and smiling a more natural reaction? Now it seems so forced. What occupied my mind back then? I know I thought a lot about Kayla and how to keep her on the "right track". Now all I can think about is the private pain she was carrying and the pain I'm experiencing. Are our pain comparable? A lot of times I don't want to go on living. Suicide has become such a real factor in our lives. How do I keep myself distanced so I don't fall into the endless abyss and come out the other side? I want to be strong but find that I don't have the strength needed to survive. Each day is a huge challenge.

The Year’s Procession

Shock and disbelief worn away

This gaping wound now exposed

I don’t like looking at it

A reminder of that day

When our lives changed forever

The will to live

So hard to find at times

I dream of our reunion

Will you recognize me

Disfigured from grief

I cannot remember my former self

All I can see is my deformity

I feel the pain of my injury

And hear the crying of my heart

Hope of recovery is so thin

One year down

An eternity left to bear

sjj 2/15/2007

Happy Valentines Day

At times I feel like I'm in this fight alone. Some days, I can feel myself dangling on the edge. Many times I alienate myself from the world because the pain is too great to deal with. But no matter how hard I try and shut people out, there are those that insist on pushing their way through. It's nice to know that I won't be abandoned, even though that's what I would like at times. I don't want to pull anyone down to the depths that I find myself at. Exactly two weeks from today will be Kayla's first death anniversary. I don't have any words to express what the day means to me. I'm frozen with grief and fear to even feel anything. I'm living in this ice cube that is keeping me numb. I know that it's going to shatter to pieces once I hit the ground.

Rescue Me – Krystal Meyers

Swallowing this hurt

Making it lie down

I'm my strongest ally, living life as I know how

I'm carrying the weight of a world that sold me out

I'm running with my eyes closed

Hoping you don't see this doubt

I'm lost for words

I'm at a loss to tell you what I need

I know there's something more

God, help me to believe

And all this time

I thought the fight

The fight was only mine

I need to let you rescue me

I'm taking fire

I'm feeling tired

I'm tired of this fight

I need to let you rescue me

I let it go to breathe

I can't take it anymore

I refuse to wake up one more time bleeding on the floor

I won't let myself hold back

I'll surrender what's inside

You become my healing tourniquet

So I can feel alive

I feel so exposed

I'm afraid to lose total control

With nothing left to hold

You reach for me and wouldn't let me go

And all this time

I thought the fight

The fight was only mine

I need to let you rescue me

I'm taking fire

I'm feeling tired

I'm tired of this fight

I need to let you rescue me

The Golden Gate Bridge

I've been almost on the verge of obsession with an on going phenominon...the Golden Gate Bridge is the number one spot on this planet that people commit suicide. There is a myth that people from all over the world come to this spot to end their lives. The truth is that at least 85% are Bay area residents. The Golden Gate Bridge instills pride in the Bay Area residents...having such a beautiful and progressive structure that millions come to see and photograph, right out their back door. There is only a 4 foot guard rail, making it extremely accessible to end it all. The success rate is at least 98%. No one below has ever been physically hurt by the suicider's plunge. I believe all of these facts make the Golden Gate Bridge an attractive method to its residents.

With the anniversary of Kayla's death approaching, I question my life, its value, quality and purpose. At times I envy those that live in the Bay Area. They have this beautiful, accessible and lethal means to an end. If I want that, I need to buy a plane ticket...and wouldn't that look strange? Suicide takes the private pain and makes it public. If it's going to end up being public, why not have witnesses for the height of your despair and exit? But the only reason I'm in this dark place is because of Kayla's suicide. Once someone takes the plunge, the ripples their body makes in their exit goes on and on in their family and friends' hearts forever. My exit, at least right now, would only perpetuate the ripple effect of grief.

Beauty and Pain

During the height of despair

Human progression rises

Above the fog

Beautiful for many generations

Admiration for society’s accomplishments

Celebration quickly leaves

Mourning rushes in

International Orange turned tragic

Opportunity of escape

Open for anyone looking

So many battles

Tears, Anger and Despair

Thrown over

Making a final splash

The population above goes on

Family and friends collapse

Ripples from lost battles

Shake their hearts forever

sjj 2/2/2007