My whole world is the pain inside me...the best I can do is just get through the day

Tomorrow will be the 3rd anniversary of Kayla's death. It's a day that has changed my family's life forever. I am another year farther away from the person I used to be. The emptiness inside of me is swallowing the life out of me. I can't stop thinking of ending pain. There are moments when I don't know if I'll be able to resist the urge. I want to talk about it, but there's already too much stress going on...I don''t want to add to it. So I silently fight to stay alive. At what point do I say I need help...when I actually put the noose around my neck? I don't want to leave Grace motherless. But the pain is all consuming...I can't think of anything else. I feel like I'm bringing my family down with my black heart. I hate myself and I think I'm totally disgusting. I've let everyone down that loved Kayla. It should have been me that died, not Kayla. I miss her and don't know how much more I can go on like this.

Disaster

Your death drained life,
And pain crashed down
More powerful than anything felt before
I fight for my life
Resisting all urges to give up
The waves from that tsunami
Has long since receded
Yet the damage remains
The landscape of our family
No longer recognizable
What was once secure
Is now a pile of rubble
So many pieces scattered everywhere
Restoration an impossible vision
Nothing
Will ever be the same
Nothing
Will ever seem right
And yet I remain
Learning to live in this scarred environment

sjj 2/18/2009

I want to die

The 3rd anniversary of Kayla's death is approaching. It does not get easier as time goes on. In fact, I feel the pain intensify. I don't know how much more of this hell I can take. I know if I was still in that fucking job, I would have probably hung myself by now. So I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to leave...thank you, Troy. But the roller coaster of pain it is too much. One day I'm feeling like I can survive and live out my days. The next, I'm in the abyss and the pain is crushing the life out of me. And at times, I feel like I might not resist the urge to give up. I hate myself for so many reasons. I want to kill myself, end this pain and end the damage I may cause my family from the blackness in my heart.

Worthless

I truly believe that I'm worthless. I don't see the point of continuing this journey of pain. It cripples me and destroys those around me. There is an intense longing of ending this pain. I'm so conflicted. Do I cause more pain by being here? Or will I cause more pain by exiting?