Never ending grief

The inner tormoil never ends. I can't sleep at night...I find myself wandering around the house. When I do sleep, I find myself being tormented in my dreams. I can feel the downward spiral. But I'm afraid to tell anyone. I'm afraid that my weakness will just add to the pile of disappointments. The glue that keeps me together is starting to crack. Going on seems like an impossibility. Everyday is a huge struggle of getting through the day and keeping the facade up so no one is suspicious. The thought of Kayla's birthday is eating me up inside. I feel that my issues are holding Troy back from his grieving so I don't feel that I should dump on him. The night is endless.

Tortured

Ripped and torn
Thrown in a heap
Tossing and turning
Can’t get to sleep
Voices conspiring
Inside my head
Hanging precariously
By a fragile thread
Wondering aimlessly
Through this mire
Can’t see clearly
Lost all desire
Slipping, falling
To my death
Crying and moaning
From every breath

sjj 8/16/2006

Demons and nightmares

This horrible nightmare never ends. I am in constant turmoil and extreme pain. I don't know how much longer I can keep this front up. I try so hard to "keep a stiff upper lip"...for the most part, people don't really want to know the demons eating away at us. My resistance to accepting what is real haunts me in my dreams. It's an endless pursuit of escape that never comes. I feel like a hamster running in it's wheel trying to escape. But my demons just stand there and laugh at me because I'm not moving forward.

A lot of times I wonder what Kayla is doing and is she watching. A part of me doesn't believe that she is watching. If she is truly in Heaven, how can watching the torment of your loved ones be paradise? I believe that she is truly in bliss and is unaware of what is going on here on this earth. If she only knew how ruined I am because of her absence. I try not to be such a wreck for Grace's sake. But once someone is falling to their death, how do you stop the fall? So many insecurities and doubts eating away at me. I can only hope that time will save me.

Demons

Glowing eyes of guilt stare
Through the dark loneliness
I look away
Can’t handle the nakedness
Fangs dripping with shame
Biting their way to my soul
Blood oozing from my heart
As life slowly slips away
Fear on the tips of claws
Tearing away my flesh of self worth
Exposing my strength is all an act
The screeching accusations
Howls and rings in my head
I try to shut them out
It doesn’t matter
The wings of failure sweep me away
I can’t see the ground
Now I am falling ready for impact
Oh the pain
The vultures of humility
Eat what remains
I am nothing

sjj 7/14/2006

Starting to say Good-bye

My husband, my surviving daughter and I made a trip up to Alaska to visit my sister and my nieces. We chose to spread a third of Kayla's ashes in Homer, AK. Kayla loved visiting her aunt and cousins. She particularly liked Homer. Kayla's ashes were spread Monday 7/31/2006 at the Homer overlook where there will always be flowers and she has a terrific view.

John 16:19-22
Jesus could see that they wanted to ask him about these things, so he said to them, “Are you asking each other about this – that I said, ‘In a little while you will not see me; again after a little while, you will see me’? I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your grief will turn into joy. When a woman gives birth, she has sorrow because her time has come, but when her child is born, she no longer remembers the suffering because of her joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.