It's Hopeless

I continue to hate myself. I don't know how to change this way of thinking. I have a hard time remembering to take my medication on a regular basis. Counseling isn't helping either. The therapist continually focuses on my relationship/alienation with my parents. I can see her reasoning. She wants me to have as many resources available as possible to me. But I feel that I have more important issues at hand. Like how do I find the strength to keep going? The only thing that I can think of to keep me going is the thought of the pain I would cause Troy and Grace if I died. The thought of that pain is almost as unbearable as the pain I'm living everyday. So I live with pain and I imagine possible pain. That equals pain in every thought and breath. And then the downward spiral begins. With so much pain, what is the FUCKING point? Why did God put me here on this earth? Why did God "bless" me with children if he's just going to take them away from me? Now I'm this insecure loser. I'm terrified that my curse will be to out live my husband and children. I don't want that. I feel so horrible that Troy is stuck with this ugly, fat, psycho loser of a wife. I know that he doesn't feel that way. But I feel that he could have had so much more if he hadn't met me. I feel that because of me, one of his daughters is dead! I just want the pain of this life to be over. It's so tiring going on in life with this fake outer shell while I'm screaming and crying on the inside. I know that my depression gets tiring to deal with. I can see it in Troy's face and Grace's interaction with me. I will try and hang on as long as I can, knowing that each minute of everyday is torture.