Relapse?

I've been moving along under the guise of normalcy. When in fact, I think it was merely the fog of numbness once again. Why would I say that and not accept it as progress in my grief journey? Because I'm always feeling a sense of doom but can't always put my finger on it. I know that there is extreme pain but I can't access it. When I'm least expecting it, my demons of pain, guilt (past and future), anxiety and insecurities unleash their fury...I'm at their mercy. I have obvious anxieties about Spring Break, but nothing that would put me over the edge. But this morning feels different. It's as if I woke up on top of a precipice and am looking over the edge. I have this extreme urge to jump. Unfortunately, I don't mean figuratively. I feel that if I were standing on a ledge, I may not be able to hold back...say good bye to all the pain and demons. I really don't want to die...I just want this to end. I wonder if this feeling will only stay with me today or will it stay with me for days...or maybe this time it won't leave.

Agony

It seems that I can't be happy no matter how hard I try. And what ends up coming out of my mouth is nothing but pure venom. I feel that no one wants to be with me anymore...at least not talk with me about what's truly going on in my head. And who can blame them. I feel that I'm buried alive in myself and no one can hear me scream. I don't want to be alone. But when I look around to see who's around to talk with me or just silently sit with me, there's no one. Trying to deal with my pain and personal demons on my own has only created agony. I want to be supported, but in the end, there's no one that is up to the task. Am I really that impossible to be around? Well a fool could answer that question. How much longer can my family take of my pathetic life? I'm always searching...searching for something...anything...to take the pain away, to fill the void. But there is nothing. I can see everyone else is moving forward. I'm in my private hell. Accusations are being screamed at me in my head. The mirror cruelly reflects the truth. In my reflection, I can see the disgusting being that is trying to get by in life. When people ask how I'm doing, I say, "I'm fine"...I'm a liar. I lie everyday to anybody that asks. Only because I know that they really don't want to hear my drama. It's society's polite way of acting like you care when you really don't. I know that my family doesn't understand me and find me quite dreadful. If my family, the people that are supposed to love me the most, can't deal with the real me...how is the rest of the world going to receive me? The world won't. It will reject me like it has a thousand times. I'm a freak and so you won't talk to me anymore. It's all the same small talk. I've learned that as long as I don't breakdown (at least in front of the world), the peace will remain. But once I start acting up, the urge to shake some sense in me arises. But I have all my senses...that's the problem.

"The darkness is death - we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. They can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work the way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves." - Dana Christene Umanetz

The Big Disappointment

Family and friends are the foundations of our lives. They form a pillar to hold you up. The closer they are to your heart, the more central they are in our foundations. We rely on them when the rest of the world doesn't care. There's the unspoken vow that we will do anything, even die, for the ones we love.

Unfortunately, I find it's the core that is weak. They panic, they intrude and are close minded to my experiences. I know they do what they do because they love me. And at the same time, they are so involved with how the family looks, they can't see past themselves. They refuse to recognize that their way of thinking or dealing is not universal...there are no universal ways. We are all unique beings. So many different variables that make up the individual.

I have so much grief and pain to work through. So I try and reach out on a significant day. I bear my heart with all honesty. The core of my foundation reacts. They tell me what I'm feeling isn't right (in their own way). They let me know that I'm taking way too long to move on with my grieving. (If only they could be a fly on the wall in my Child Loss grief support group. They would see parents of children that died almost a decade ago. They would see that their pain has not gone away. That their pain will always be in their face until the day they die.) In the end, my core foundation is saying that unless I can produce words that they want to hear, I'm better off not reaching out.

The endless circle of alienation. I can see my part in this vicious circle. Since they are so wrapped up in their own hype, I don't think they see their part. If only they could just say, "We're so sorry that your pain has not eased. Is there anything we can do to help?" Instead, their words are telling me, "If I mean anything to you, you will hear how you're supposed to grieve. You will accept my way of thinking (or at least act like it). Otherwise, you're going to end up killing yourself."

I find it's the people further on the edges of my foundation that can truly sympathize. They can feel my pain and are not wrapped up on their own emotions when reaching back to me. They don't know the intensity of the pain I'm feeling. And yet, they have the compassion to leave a string to their hearts for me to pull on if I need to. They are not pretentious, and assume that they know what's best for me. They are just there for when I need them.

I've learned that you can keep going
Long after you think you can't

I've learned that friends and relatives can become strangers
And strangers can become friends

I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse
For the lack of compassion

I've learned that some people will never, ever "Get it"
And I...
Will never "Get over it"

I've learned that the community of sorrow
Is the strongest of all

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken
The world doesn't stop for your grief

I've learned that your life can be changed
In a matter of minutes

I've learned that some of the people you care most about in life
Are taken from you too soon

I've learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words
It may be the last time you see them

I've learned that love isn't measured
By the amount of time you have with someone

I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words
But so is love

- Author unknown

Beware of Poison

Inescapable pain eats away at me and dumps poison in my soul. I want a place to release all the shit that builds up in me. But every time I open my mouth, I can feel the poison ooze out and destroy what's around me. I can see the damage that my words had done. This causes more pain and more poisonous by product. This is a vicious cycle that I can't stop. I'm surrounded by people that love me. Yet I'm in a deep abyss where it is dark and no one can hear me. I feel that I'm on the outside watching my family...not really connecting. I can't benefit from good examples or wise proverbs because the pain is all consuming. Because my pain is not visible, others can't understand it. So they attempt with advice and words to try and "snap me out of it". I know they are doing this because they love me. Unfortunately, it creates an even bigger pit for me. I am more aware that they will never understand my pain and I will continue to exist alone.

Fallen

I'm no longer up there...with everyone else

Life goes on for them

I am down in this dark pit

The darkness strangles all strength

Blocks out anything beautiful

And shuts out all music

I stumble in the dark

Crawling over my wreckage

My flesh rips away

Noxious odors ooze from my wounds

If found,

No one would dare come close

For my pain may be infectious

No longer able to move forward

I await my fate

sjj 3/4/2008