First Day of Eternity

I cannot get the days of 2/28-3/4 out of my head. They replay constantly. February 28, 2006 was the end of our lives as we knew it. We will never be the same. We may look like a repaired family on the outside. But we are completely broken on the inside. At least I am. I wonder what is the purpose of those days replaying over and over. I wonder why this has happened. I wonder how can we ever be whole again. People keep reassuring me that I will be whole someday. Honestly, I don't see how that is possible. Kayla was an extended part of me. Now that part is gone forever. I do know that I will see her again. It's the time in between that will be torturous. There is so much I miss about her. So many dreams that died. I find myself staring at her pictures looking into her eyes to see if I can see the pain. I can't. But it doesn't matter, it won't change anything.

February 28, 2006

We couldn’t see eye to eye
Tears escaped
As I turned and walked away
The weight of the world
Too much to take in
The keys of escape within your reach
Too many lies screaming
Inside your head the pain swells
The smoke fogs your judgment
The dizziness doesn’t stop
The lack of answers
Churning your stomach into nausea
Can’t turn back now
You start to fall
Can’t walk straight
Reality squeezes life out
You want to sleep
Close your eyes to this old world
Your mind will never be the same
Too much damage incurred
You see the door and step through
You finally escaped your pain
Mine has just started

sjj 9/27/2006

Comfortably Numb

I have finally climbed out of the depressive abyss. I am back to being numb...thank God! I keep hearing that the second year of grieving is harder because the numbness has worn away. I am still in disbelief that Kayla is gone forever. I will never get over the fact of life without Kayla. Not one day passes that I don't think of the day she died and the days leading up to her funeral. I feel that a huge part of me was lost during those days so I am continually reliving those days to find what I lost. I am very unhappy to be alive. That doesn't mean I want to die. It just means that the will to survive is hardly there. Sometimes I feel like lying down and giving up. Life is extremely painful. I desparately look for distractions because the weight of it all is too much to handle.

Broken Hearted

The day you died
A cold steel blade pierced my heart
The life slowly bleeds out
Love cannot be fully restored
The pain overwhelms my days
Tears stain my face
No one knows who I am anymore
I can’t trust myself
Relationships collapse
My hair turns silver
From the ashes that were scattered
There’s not enough strength
Cannot withstand the night
I clutch my chest
I start to fall
Nothing there to hold onto
Will I find peace
As I release my grip?

sjj 8/14/2006

Broken Family

We will always be broken. There is no way to be repaired. How do you recover? How do you go on? I try and be who people want me to be. Life is so fucking disappointing. Is this why we have been put here...to experience complete devastation? This life that I am currently experiencing is what I would imagine Hell to be. Everyday, I want to scream in the middle of a crowd so people would know the torture I experience. I don't have the strenght to do that...so I scream on the inside. I can't even talk about how I feel because the pain is so excrutiating I can't put it to words.

Broken

We lived in a house of glass

Never thought of invinsibility

Just attempting life

Being careful around the edges

The walls are fragile

Suddenly it happened

A bullet ripped through

The walls shatter around us

We've been cut severly

By the debris

Life slowly oozes

Out of our hearts

Wounds still fresh

Trying to put our house together

Wounds reopen

New wounds appear

This impossible task

Bleeding me out

The life is almost gone...

sjj 9/6/2006

Happy Birthday Kayla

Tomorrow would have been Kayla's 18th birthday. The day she would be an adult and we could take our relationship to the next level. I will never know that joy. I can literally feel the pain eat away at my soul. I don't know how I can survive this...I don't want to be a survivor. My life will always be incomplete. Life is so extremely painful that the joy is barely noticeable.

Birthday Blues

The clock ticks closer
To mark the hour
You entered this world
The world wanted you to stay
You didn’t feel the same
So many memories of love
That has now been pushed out the door
Can’t understand what happened
Can’t accept the void
Your legacy will live on
Longer than you could
The joy of your birth
Is now the pain
Forever in my heart
You will always remain young
I will continue to age
One more day
One more year
One more chance
That is my wish
Fruitless desires
Eating away at my soul

sjj 8/31/2006