Dragonfly Wanna-be

The 5th Anniversary

2011-02-28T09:47:00.004-06:00

Today is the 5th anniversary of the day we lost our daughter, Kayla...she will forever be 17. As time passes, it gets easier to remain functional while dealing with the pain and loss. But eventually, the weight of the sorrow breaks me down...especially around her anniversary and birthday. The day she died, I didn't think I could go on...but here I am, 5 years later. I will never be the same person I was before her death. There is still anger and pain. Not only for myself, but for our other daughter. She deserves to have her older sister here to help guide her in this crazy world, especially during her teenage years. But no matter how angry or sad I get, the truth still remains...our lives must continue without our dear Kayla. With all the negative effects of her death, I am able to recognize certain positives. I have gained compassion towards the human population and the struggles they may be facing, a better perspective on what is worth getting upset about, a deeper appreciation for my family and friends, etc. I believe these positives are the best ways I can honor Kayla's life.

Avalanche Season

Snow falls down

Sticking on my lashes

Momentarily obstructing my view

Suddenly aware of the multitude of flakes falling

Emotions of solitude and melancholy settle in

This force of nature

Separates me from the world

Minutes become days

Causing the ground to become unstable

As the last flake falls

The delicate armor cracks

No hiding or escape

Only hope that survival is possible

Slowly, carefully

I dig my way to the surface

Emerging,

I realize this place will never look the same

Acknowledging the stillness that surrounds

And reflections of what I have been through

Rejuvenates the courage to remain

sjj 2/28/11

Winter

2009-12-27T09:27:00.006-06:00

I hate winter. It's the season of death. Kayla died in the winter. And the coldness in the air reflects the emotions inside my heart. Winter is so long and the days too short. I wish my life was different. I wish Kayla was still here. But no amount of wishing will ever bring her back. The only thing I have to hold on to is that I will see her again...just not in this life. There are times when I feel that I will not make it, the pain is too much to bear. But then, I find that I survive and I made it through the winter for another season. I don't know how I do it. I think there is a force that cannot be seen or reasoned with that keeps me here.

Seasons

Winter has set in

And the days become shorter

As darkness takes over

The deep plunge begins

Braving the elements

No longer seems worth the effort

Instead
Desires of staying hidden and safe

Influence decisions of seclusion

Leading to regretted apathy
Death conquers the season

But know it will not stay

And look forward to the season of rebirth

sjj

12/11/2009

2009-05-11T10:44:00.002-05:00

Behind the Smile

Behind the smile

A war rages

So many battles

Being fought

In the dark

There are battles

Where good and self worthiness triumphs

Yet the demons prevail in many more

They strip all the light

Leaving nothing but darkness

Alone in the dark

My soul fades

sjj 5/10/2009

2009-05-11T10:37:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day

A day recognizing Eve

Bringing life into our world

The world smiles back in appreciation

But sorrow hides in this day

Some have been stripped

Their precious stolen

Feelings of unworthiness

Being slapped in faces

Joy in life

Grief in death

Eve's path is hidden

Incredible stregnth to endure

As we recognize Eve

sjj 5/10/2009

2009-04-30T12:35:00.002-05:00

Moments of Reprieve

Shadows flood my world

I know there is life out there

But cannot see past the darkness

Then there are moments

The shadows part

Light streams in

I can see beautiful wonders

Happiness dancing before me

I feel love

Holding on to the moment

As the shadows close in again

It's the moments of reprieve

That keeps me alive

- sjj 4/30/2009

My whole world is the pain inside me...the best I can do is just get through the day

2009-02-27T11:05:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow will be the 3rd anniversary of Kayla's death. It's a day that has changed my family's life forever. I am another year farther away from the person I used to be. The emptiness inside of me is swallowing the life out of me. I can't stop thinking of ending pain. There are moments when I don't know if I'll be able to resist the urge. I want to talk about it, but there's already too much stress going on...I don''t want to add to it. So I silently fight to stay alive. At what point do I say I need help...when I actually put the noose around my neck? I don't want to leave Grace motherless. But the pain is all consuming...I can't think of anything else. I feel like I'm bringing my family down with my black heart. I hate myself and I think I'm totally disgusting. I've let everyone down that loved Kayla. It should have been me that died, not Kayla. I miss her and don't know how much more I can go on like this.

Disaster

Your death drained life,
And pain crashed down
More powerful than anything felt before
I fight for my life
Resisting all urges to give up
The waves from that tsunami
Has long since receded
Yet the damage remains
The landscape of our family
No longer recognizable
What was once secure
Is now a pile of rubble
So many pieces scattered everywhere
Restoration an impossible vision
Nothing
Will ever be the same
Nothing
Will ever seem right
And yet I remain
Learning to live in this scarred environment

sjj 2/18/2009

I want to die

2009-02-20T13:19:00.002-06:00

The 3rd anniversary of Kayla's death is approaching. It does not get easier as time goes on. In fact, I feel the pain intensify. I don't know how much more of this hell I can take. I know if I was still in that fucking job, I would have probably hung myself by now. So I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to leave...thank you, Troy. But the roller coaster of pain it is too much. One day I'm feeling like I can survive and live out my days. The next, I'm in the abyss and the pain is crushing the life out of me. And at times, I feel like I might not resist the urge to give up. I hate myself for so many reasons. I want to kill myself, end this pain and end the damage I may cause my family from the blackness in my heart.

Worthless

2009-02-18T07:53:00.005-06:00

I truly believe that I'm worthless. I don't see the point of continuing this journey of pain. It cripples me and destroys those around me. There is an intense longing of ending this pain. I'm so conflicted. Do I cause more pain by being here? Or will I cause more pain by exiting?

2009-01-17T20:18:00.004-06:00

On Fire

My brillant star went out
Extinguished with such force
Fire raged through my world
I now stand here
On fire
The flames obstructing my view
I see only ruin
The extreme heat is overwhelming
I can only feel pain
Horrific screams piercing my ears
Screams of pain
Screams of sorrow
Screams for relief
Can one survive?
Not without massive scar tissue
If my star were still here
I would not be standing here
On fire

sjj 1/17/2009

2009

2009-01-13T08:35:00.004-06:00

The New Year

Another Year has begun

But you are not here

Another year to magnify the loss

Reaching titanic proportions in the end

Another year of scar tissue

Holding back the pain, preventing self destruction

Another year of tears

Struggling from being drowned by the sorrow

Another year of not knowing why

Trying to understand you'll never return

Another year of wearing this mask

Knowing the rest of the world is cold

Another year to survive

Hoping to honor our life we had

sjj 1/2/2009

It's not that bad

2008-12-17T09:08:00.002-06:00

People tell me it's not that bad. How can they be so presumptious to know what I'm feeling and what I'm going through? Maybe my head isn't right and it twists everything into an unrecognizable pile of shit. Now I have to sort through it and make some sense of it. Maybe there are voices in my head telling me everyday that I'm a waste and I deserve to die. Maybe people don't know what the fuck they are saying and should not impose their values and opinions on me. Who are they to give me advice? Do they know about the physical pain that I feel because of all the stored up emotions in my soul? They don't know anything!

Tell me when I'm gonna live again

Tell me when this fear will end

Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside

Tell me when I'll feel alive

Crossroads (Link)

2008-07-01T08:41:00.008-05:00

I can't control what comes out of my mouth. I can't control my emotions. I find that lack of control is pushing people away and find that I'm alone. I end up having no one to talk to anymore...because who really wants to? I can't deal with things on my own, but have no choice. Do you get angry at people dying of cancer? Do you blame them for not overcoming their disease? I can't force people to understand. They all believe that I should be able to "snap" out of it. Since I am unable, the issue makes me more aware of how alone I am. I realize that my state of mind is only bringing pain to those around me. I truly wonder if they would not be better off without me. Of course they will be sad and crushed. But I believe after the initial pain, they will move on. They will heal and become better people...something I cannot do. I understand that there are treatments for depression...but like other diseases, there is no cure. So those that succumb to cancer, are they lesser people? Do they deserve to be looked upon with shame? There is so much pain that is being buried on a daily basis that it can become overwhelming at times. Those are the times where I seriously doubt my survival. Since I have no outlet for my pain, I find myself trapped inside myself for hours on end. And the world sees me as bringing this all upon myself. I really don't know what I can do anymore.

My Life Without You

I am a different person from what you remembered
You may not recognize me
Half my heart was ripped out
The other half struggles to sustain life
My eyes no longer sparkle
They have grown dull with pain
Laughing was so much easier
Now I find I cannot stop crying
Once confident
I am now full with insecurities
They have become my demons
Living in the present is too hard
I find myself lingering in the past,
A place where things were right
I used to be surrounded by friends and family
They have scattered
I now find comfort among strangers
Strangers that are also trying to survive with half a heart
Sometimes you may hear a collective cry
We are calling out to our babies,
Wondering where do we go from here

sjj 7/1/2008

2008-06-04T14:59:00.000-05:00

Forget I ever existed

2008-05-19T08:20:00.005-05:00

I hate myself more than anyone can imagine. I'm entirely consumed with the pain and loss of Kayla. I cannot escape it. It's coming up to the anniversary of Sheila's suicide. So the pain of losing her is also compounded on top of the pain that I carry for Kayla. It's almost too much to bear. I'm confused, hurt, angry and TIRED. I can't control the mess inside of me so it starts dumping out. Those around me are disgusted/appalled that I am so inappropriate. They wonder why am I letting myself turn into this beast. When in fact, the beast lives in me and I can't control it...it jumps out of me and attacks those around me. I try and recapture it and put it back where it belongs. But it is too late, everyone has seen what lives inside of me and confuses it for who I am. I want all this pain to end. I can't even remember what I was like before Kayla died. I have become unrecognizable. When I die, I want people to forget I even existed. My life means nothing.

The Beast

Pain, doubt and guilt are the feeding grounds

The resources are unlimited

As the beast continues to grow

It produces toxic waste

The poison starts to destroy the landscape

It becomes the perfect environment for the beast

It's living quarters start to become cramped

It must break free

It starts to thrash and destroy it's world

I grow tired trying to contain it

It's head emerges

All can see how completely hideous it is

Sharp horns of insults,

Ready to pierce your heart

Scorching eyes burn guilt into your forehead

Fangs snapping to rip your life away

I gather strength

Spectators watch in horror

I start to bleed as I fight the beast

I know the world cannot take him on

Ferociously he fights, taking chunks of my flesh with him

I finally contain him

Back into the world that he belongs

Everyone is safe for now

Why do they still stare?

So disfigured from the fight

I now resemble the beast

I am the beast

sjj 5/19/2008

Life's a tragedy

2008-05-14T09:25:00.007-05:00

If we could only forget those that are no longer with us, it would be so much easier. But I find that memories are continually haunting me...holding me captive in this dark world. I find that I am constantly thinking of Kayla. I think of her EVERY waking hour. These past few days I find Sheila in those thoughts as well. I will never understand their deaths. I find that I have been reduced to an unrecognizable entity. I want to be so much more than I am. I don't want to be this crippled mess anymore. Sadly, I can't escape the pain, guilt, regret, insecurities, anger, etc. Everywhere I turn, they are waiting around the corner for me. I will be haunted as long as I live.

My Immortal - Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face

It haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice

It chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies

2008-05-02T10:47:00.003-05:00

"How's it going?" That seems to come out of every one's mouth. But I wonder if they really want to know. I don't think so. The same goes for family members. They don't want to hear that you're in constant pain and don't know how to move forward. They don't want to know that you think about death on a daily basis. Because once you let any of that information leak out, they all panic and want to send you to the shrink immediately...as long as they don't have to deal with your problems. Or they can alienate you. I definitely prefer the latter. I'm the queen of Alien-Nation! But I'm finding out that being a citizen of that country can also be scary at times. I'll be crawling through the trenches or walking down a dark alley of depression and feel that I have been abandoned. What can you expect? I've become a downer and hard to live with...so naturally, no one wants to hang around anymore. It becomes a vicious downward spiral. Weariness/fear of being alone causes careless communication. After being isolated within myself, I can't help but dump out all my emotions. Then there it is...a big pile of stinking shit. It stinks to bad that it drives people away and you find that maybe you're better off containing your shit. You end up being deported back to Alien-Nation. How much longer can a person tolerate being exiled?

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

2008-04-09T14:13:00.004-05:00

Worthless

No Good

Piece of garbage
Making everyone miserable
Selfish
Unreliable
Emotional wreck
Getting in the way of recovery
Disgusting
Ugly
Waste of energy
Holding them back
Lousy
Lazy
Parasitic leach
Sucking life from those that deserve more

sjj 4/9/2008

Relapse?

2008-03-27T07:59:00.002-05:00

I've been moving along under the guise of normalcy. When in fact, I think it was merely the fog of numbness once again. Why would I say that and not accept it as progress in my grief journey? Because I'm always feeling a sense of doom but can't always put my finger on it. I know that there is extreme pain but I can't access it. When I'm least expecting it, my demons of pain, guilt (past and future), anxiety and insecurities unleash their fury...I'm at their mercy. I have obvious anxieties about Spring Break, but nothing that would put me over the edge. But this morning feels different. It's as if I woke up on top of a precipice and am looking over the edge. I have this extreme urge to jump. Unfortunately, I don't mean figuratively. I feel that if I were standing on a ledge, I may not be able to hold back...say good bye to all the pain and demons. I really don't want to die...I just want this to end. I wonder if this feeling will only stay with me today or will it stay with me for days...or maybe this time it won't leave.

Agony

2008-03-14T14:32:00.006-05:00

It seems that I can't be happy no matter how hard I try. And what ends up coming out of my mouth is nothing but pure venom. I feel that no one wants to be with me anymore...at least not talk with me about what's truly going on in my head. And who can blame them. I feel that I'm buried alive in myself and no one can hear me scream. I don't want to be alone. But when I look around to see who's around to talk with me or just silently sit with me, there's no one. Trying to deal with my pain and personal demons on my own has only created agony. I want to be supported, but in the end, there's no one that is up to the task. Am I really that impossible to be around? Well a fool could answer that question. How much longer can my family take of my pathetic life? I'm always searching...searching for something...anything...to take the pain away, to fill the void. But there is nothing. I can see everyone else is moving forward. I'm in my private hell. Accusations are being screamed at me in my head. The mirror cruelly reflects the truth. In my reflection, I can see the disgusting being that is trying to get by in life. When people ask how I'm doing, I say, "I'm fine"...I'm a liar. I lie everyday to anybody that asks. Only because I know that they really don't want to hear my drama. It's society's polite way of acting like you care when you really don't. I know that my family doesn't understand me and find me quite dreadful. If my family, the people that are supposed to love me the most, can't deal with the real me...how is the rest of the world going to receive me? The world won't. It will reject me like it has a thousand times. I'm a freak and so you won't talk to me anymore. It's all the same small talk. I've learned that as long as I don't breakdown (at least in front of the world), the peace will remain. But once I start acting up, the urge to shake some sense in me arises. But I have all my senses...that's the problem.

"The darkness is death - we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. They can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work the way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves." - Dana Christene Umanetz

The Big Disappointment

2008-03-07T08:03:00.013-06:00

Family and friends are the foundations of our lives. They form a pillar to hold you up. The closer they are to your heart, the more central they are in our foundations. We rely on them when the rest of the world doesn't care. There's the unspoken vow that we will do anything, even die, for the ones we love.

Unfortunately, I find it's the core that is weak. They panic, they intrude and are close minded to my experiences. I know they do what they do because they love me. And at the same time, they are so involved with how the family looks, they can't see past themselves. They refuse to recognize that their way of thinking or dealing is not universal...there are no universal ways. We are all unique beings. So many different variables that make up the individual.

I have so much grief and pain to work through. So I try and reach out on a significant day. I bear my heart with all honesty. The core of my foundation reacts. They tell me what I'm feeling isn't right (in their own way). They let me know that I'm taking way too long to move on with my grieving. (If only they could be a fly on the wall in my Child Loss grief support group. They would see parents of children that died almost a decade ago. They would see that their pain has not gone away. That their pain will always be in their face until the day they die.) In the end, my core foundation is saying that unless I can produce words that they want to hear, I'm better off not reaching out.

The endless circle of alienation. I can see my part in this vicious circle. Since they are so wrapped up in their own hype, I don't think they see their part. If only they could just say, "We're so sorry that your pain has not eased. Is there anything we can do to help?" Instead, their words are telling me, "If I mean anything to you, you will hear how you're supposed to grieve. You will accept my way of thinking (or at least act like it). Otherwise, you're going to end up killing yourself."

I find it's the people further on the edges of my foundation that can truly sympathize. They can feel my pain and are not wrapped up on their own emotions when reaching back to me. They don't know the intensity of the pain I'm feeling. And yet, they have the compassion to leave a string to their hearts for me to pull on if I need to. They are not pretentious, and assume that they know what's best for me. They are just there for when I need them.

I've learned that you can keep going
Long after you think you can't

I've learned that friends and relatives can become strangers
And strangers can become friends

I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse
For the lack of compassion

I've learned that some people will never, ever "Get it"
And I...
Will never "Get over it"

I've learned that the community of sorrow
Is the strongest of all

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken
The world doesn't stop for your grief

I've learned that your life can be changed
In a matter of minutes

I've learned that some of the people you care most about in life
Are taken from you too soon

I've learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words
It may be the last time you see them

I've learned that love isn't measured
By the amount of time you have with someone

I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words
But so is love

- Author unknown

Beware of Poison

2008-03-04T08:22:00.003-06:00

Inescapable pain eats away at me and dumps poison in my soul. I want a place to release all the shit that builds up in me. But every time I open my mouth, I can feel the poison ooze out and destroy what's around me. I can see the damage that my words had done. This causes more pain and more poisonous by product. This is a vicious cycle that I can't stop. I'm surrounded by people that love me. Yet I'm in a deep abyss where it is dark and no one can hear me. I feel that I'm on the outside watching my family...not really connecting. I can't benefit from good examples or wise proverbs because the pain is all consuming. Because my pain is not visible, others can't understand it. So they attempt with advice and words to try and "snap me out of it". I know they are doing this because they love me. Unfortunately, it creates an even bigger pit for me. I am more aware that they will never understand my pain and I will continue to exist alone.

Fallen

I'm no longer up there...with everyone else

Life goes on for them

I am down in this dark pit

The darkness strangles all strength

Blocks out anything beautiful

And shuts out all music

I stumble in the dark

Crawling over my wreckage

My flesh rips away

Noxious odors ooze from my wounds

If found,

No one would dare come close

For my pain may be infectious

No longer able to move forward

I await my fate

sjj 3/4/2008

Not another year

2008-02-28T07:19:00.010-06:00

Kayla,
Another year has gone by without you. So much has changed since you left. We're not the same people and we never will be...even though that's how we try to act with others. I try and hide my tears, especially from those that love me...because I know that my pain causes them pain. I continue to struggle with the guilt that I could not keep you here any longer. Everyone tells me that it it's not my fault. But do they really believe that? I'm your mother. If anybody should have known the extent of pain you were in, it should have been me. But then I'm reminded that your death had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you and your demons. But your pain did not end, it was only passed on to your family and friends left behind. Do you remember how Grace was inseparable from you? Well, now she doesn't even say your name and is uncomfortable talking about you. Her pain is silent where mine is worn on my sleeve. I don't want to go one more day in this nightmare...but I have been forced to live like this. We miss you so much and await our reunion.

Love always, Mom

730

Pain slaps me in the face
Reminding me of the day you left us
The second anniversary…730 days
My life will never be the same
How can one day change life forever?

Never going back to ”Ok”
Never going to be easy again
My tears flow for so many reasons
But in the end,
I’m crying because you’re gone
I’m choking on grief
At times I feel that I may suffocate
Your absence has left an enormous hole
Leaving an impossible task,
As others try to fill it
Every inch of my soul misses you
The longing to be with you
Grows as each day passes
Anticipation for our reunion
Grabs a hold on my heart
As I hold back from leaping into your arms

sjj 1/28/2008

2008-02-19T12:53:00.002-06:00

How will it be?

When I'm gone,

I know you will miss me...

My kisses, my smile, my voice,

My love for you.

But will you miss

My inner struggles and insecurities?

The fear and doubt seen in my eyes?

Will you be able to carry on

Knowing I can no longer live with life

Will you celebrate my freedom,

Even though the price seems high?

sjj 2/19/2008

What's my problem?

2008-02-12T08:27:00.000-06:00

Everytime I walk into work I think, "I want to kill myself". I don't know what my problem is. It's just a fucking job. Why do these sickening feelings stir when I drive up to the lot? Then when I step into the office, those words are screaming in my head. I'm such a freak. What's so horrible here? And yet I feel that I would have a mental breakdown from working. If I didn't have Troy, I would probably end up like those mentally ill homeless people out on the sidewalk. The majority of our society can go to work, even hate it their jobs and not be as pathetic as me.

No Cure

2008-02-11T09:52:00.001-06:00

The world contiues to rotate while I'm in a state of suspension. I can't overcome my fears, insecurities and guilt. I feel that I can no longer handle disappointment. And yet life is full of disappointments. I feel that my incapability of being normal is hurting our family. I try to conceal my weaknesses by acting all is good. But in the end I breakdown by being irritable or emotional. I know that this makes it hard to live with me. How can my family move on if we are a unit and I'm stuck? So I try and distance myself from them to see if they can move forward without me. It hurts to watch this but I feel that it's the right thing to do. I need to allow them to deal with their own emotions without having to worry about mine. No one wants to admit that I'm poison, but I know they can feel it. My medications only suppress the shit from surfacing. But if I let it surface, I will infect those around and possibly make them sick. Will the pain of staying be greater than the pain of leaving? I don't know anymore.

2008-02-01T08:28:00.000-06:00

Fears

You witness the flood waters rush in

As you run for safety,

You realize that not everyone will make it

As I fight for my life

I can see you running back fro me

The current takes hold and carries me away

Be careful

As you too can be swept up

Don't let the rescuer become the victim

There are others closer to the edge of safety

You need to focus on them

As they will not drag you in

Sadly, I drift farther from safety

I will not let others drown trying to rescue me

As the landscapes change and darken

I know that I must be alone

sjj 1/30/2008

Trapped

2008-01-21T11:17:00.002-06:00

Society continues to move forward as I'm stuck in my world, a world that is full of the pain inside me. I can't escape the day that Kayla died. Everything I do, think or say is because of her death. I will never move on or get over it. People may have a hard time dealing with my pain and may have the best intentions when they give "advice". I would rather they not say anything than clumsy words of comfort. It only draws my attention to the fact that I am not a part of their world...that I am trapped in my grief stricken world. We are all given the right to pursue happiness. That right was stripped away from me on 2/28/2006. I will never be completely happy in this life. This is not taking anything away from my wonderful husband and daughter. This is merely a reflection of my inadequate spirit. But I will continue to struggle to survive for my husband and daughter. My biggest fear is that the fight will leave and I will ruin them.

Struggle

An abyss of emptiness stares out

Leviathans hunting any forms of life

Choking out chances of growth

Only darkness can be seen

The pressure of this reality

Causes the soul to implode

Surfacing is inconceivable

Sustainability limited

Death eventually takes hold

Finally I have surfaced

sjj - 1/21/2008

To Maggie, a dear woman

2008-01-10T08:41:00.000-06:00

I've been on a horrible journey...trying to survive the death of my beautiful daughter. I have been fortunate to find a compassionate grief group. So many broken hearts caused by the unnatural circle of life...our children died way before their time. We're left with the ashes of the fire that raged through our lives. Choking from poisonous air, we cling to life. So enveloped in my own pain, I am paralysed to reach out. But through the pain, a courageous and loving woman stepped up to me. From the outside, you could see that she too was crippled with pain. And physically, she looked to be almost frail. However, my soul was able to see the huge heart inside of her. She wanted to let me know that some days will be tolerable...it's never too late to hope. She was honest enough to let me know that it is normal to turn to the bottle when experiencing extreme pain. She projected amazing understanding, when my own mother can't understand why I cope the way I do. I looked up to how compassionate she could be while caring her grief. I will never forget her. Even though many are sad and will miss her dearly, my heart can't help but smile a little. She's finally hugging and kissing her precious son.

The Rise of the Phoenix

Soaring above the world

Taking in all its beauty

Life is balanced and good

Something in the distance pulls her

As she gets closer she sees

A raging fire

It devours all the life around it

The heart in her chest cracks

Life slowly bleeds out

The heat of the flames start pulling her in

She knows this is it

And plunges in the center of it all

The fire quiets and the ashes smolder

Brushing off the ashes

Transformation is clearly visible

She's experienced death

Now it's her turn to bless others

What a beautiful creature

She will soar for a thousand years

And we will wait our turn

- sjj 1/10/2008 - written in honor of Maggie Collins

One more Christmas without Kayla

2007-12-24T13:08:00.000-06:00

This is the second year without Kayla. Last year was the shock waves of her absence. This year it's about the reality of never seeing her again, in this world. It's about not knowing how to deal with this truth. I don't want to go on anymore. Any kind of therapy is pointless. At the same time, the agony that I would cause Grace and Troy is heart breaking. These two forces are at war inside of me everyday. I want to overcome all this pain and sickness within my soul. And yet I feel that I am losing this battle. I believe after this life I will see Kayla again and only then will the war be won.

The Night Before Christmas

Tucked behind shadows and pain
I can still feel your exit
I search for the light of your existence
But the shadows grow long,
As the pain continues to cripple me
The trenches of my memory fill with poison
So I cry from fear and pain
At times, I can hear your voice in a faint dream
Or the corner of my eye catches you fluttering by
The tricks of the mind are sick and twisted
My reality is ripping me apart,
As it searches for yesterday
One step away from Heaven
Will you greet me with open arms?

sjj 12/24/2007

Don't be afraid

2007-12-04T14:34:00.000-06:00

It's bound to happen. What ends up being the best solution? Quit procrastinating or prolong agony for everyone? Prolonged agony will surely end in resentment. Resentment is an unbearable reality that will break ones spirit. Frustration and disappointment continually bore a hole into the heart. Shame of attracting such feelings overwhelms one with piercing sorrow. Everyone can see Failure attempting its god given responsibilities. Why let a deadly virus infect the healthy.? Vaccinate, evacuate...liberate. In the end, pain reigns. Wounds that could have been prevented now threatens life. Public words need not create panic. True bleeding wounds are kept safe and hidden. Bravery can only save the situation.

Dedicated to the One I Love

2007-11-23T09:36:00.000-06:00

As we are forced to drudge through this poison...aka life, there seems to be a force working that can't be denied. It reaches out to grab you off the edge of a precipice, it attempts to heal your wounds by giving kisses to your soul and it performs CPR in a desperate attempt to restore life. This force is none other than Love itself. It is selfless and will do whatever it takes to restore the injured soul. Love is unconditional. No matter how much you try to reject it, it will always come back to offer its comfort. Love does not believe in giving up. It's persistence can be maddening. But you can be reassured that it won't turn its back on you when you need it the most. If I can only be half as reliable. I only see this quality in one person. I have complete trust and faith that I will not be abandoned...even if that is best. I'm ashamed to say that because I'm such an emotional wreck, I can't offer the same support. My heart bleeds because I can't as stable as I need to be. My Love deserves something better, something I'm afraid I'm incapable of delivering.

“There for You” – Damian Marley

Vexation of spirit is a waste of time

Negative thinking, don't you waste your thoughts

Verbal conflict is a waste of word

Physical conflict is a waste of flesh

People will always be who they want

And that's what really makes the world go round

Unconditional love is scarce

Now and forever more

Forever more, forever more...

You see, you gave precious life to me

So I live my life for you...

You see, you've always been there for me

And so i'll be there for you...

Bless your eyes and may your days be long

May you rise on the morning when His kingdom come

Good deeds aren't remembered in the hearts of men

Bless your eyes and may your dreams come true

May you rise on the morning when Jah kingdom come

Good deeds aren't remembered in the hearts of men

Now and forever more

Forever more...

You see, you've always had faith in me

And so i'll have faith in you…

You've always been there for me

And so i'll be there for you...

You've always been good to me

Even when i'm not good to myself

You've always been fair to me

Even when i'm not fair to myself

You've always done right by me

So I will do right by you...

You've always been there for me, mama

So i'll be there for you, papa

You've always been fair to me, brother

And so i'll be fair to you, sister

You've always had faith in me

And so i'll have faith in you...

You've always been good to me

You've always been to kind to me

You've always stood up for me

You've always been there for me

You've always been...

You always did care for me...

You always did share with me...

You always been true to me

And so i'll be true to you...

The Inevitable

2007-11-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

My psychiatrist added one more medication to my medley. So now I'm on an anti-depressant, sleeping pills, tranquilizers and now a mood stabilizer. I must say the last addition has really controlled my mood swings. I am no longer uncontrollably irritable. Which I'm sure my family is grateful for. Even under chemical suppression, I still feel an underlying doom. There's still dissatisfaction with my life. But I can't exactly focus on it because of the haze of medication. I still believe that I will eventually off myself. It may be years down the road, but I still feel it coming. I feel extremely guilty that I still feel that way. I don't want to hurt my family, but in the end I fear that I will. There's so much unrest and pain in my soul that probably won't extinguish until I do.

Imagine:

To stand on top of the highest cliff,

To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements,

The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.

The beauty of the abyss,

The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay,

Looking down into oblivion and voidness.

The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.

Standing there,

Feeling eternity in a restricted world,

Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

To draw the final breath,

To make that little step,

To know, that for once a decision was made,

To feel one foot above the abyss,

To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,

To feel losing balance,

To fall,

To gain speed,

To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,

To feel the cold wind violently caress you,

To see the ground coming closer,

To scream in orgiastic excitement,

To know what you have done,

To know that you have done something for once.

Maybe even: To doubt,

To regret,

To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.

Mercilessly

To fly into annihilation,

To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,

Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, devine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

A worthy payment for endless agony

No more endless, unbearable pain.

No more routine.

No more repetition.

No more

-- Peace

To sleep, perchance to dream,

To give in to tiredness,

To fall asleep,

To find solace,

No more agony.

To end.

The end.

Learn to accept the truth

2007-10-08T07:51:00.000-05:00

The truth can cause a lot of discomfort and fear. However, the world cannot exist without it. There are certain truths that has been hard for me to accept and others I'm learning to accept. For example, I am of more use in this meaningless job than at home. Only because I am failure. At least here in the office the damage that I can do is contained. The damage I can do in the home/family can have grave consequences. Now if Troy can accept the truth that I don't contribute anything positive to our family (non-monetarily) and I only add negative feelings and energy, I think he will be much better off.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32

Nature

2007-10-02T14:48:00.001-05:00

Butterfly

I am an ugly worm,

crawling through life on my belly

I helplessly watch my loved ones

being slaughtered from the birds above

As I grow fatter,

movement becomes cumbersome

I want to sleep

Never wake up

Somehow I am reborn

and fly free from this life

sjj 9/21/2007

Volcano

Existing between the cracks,

my world constantly shifts

I struggle to remain stable

I try to find ways to relieve the building pressure

Every explosion creates so much damage

Those around me can sense my unrest

They watch as the plume rises

Suddenly I detonate

Death and devastation surrounds me

I have been released

I will stay quiet for now

Only to go off again

sjj 10/2/2007

Storm Warnings

2007-08-28T10:06:00.001-05:00

Have you ever wondered about storm warnings? Are they really helpful? They don't prevent the storm from coming. True, lives are saved when people pay attention to the warnings. But how many warnings have been false? They are merely warning people that conditions are favorable for some kind of destructive activity. After heeding to so many false warnings, one becomes jaded and starts to ignore the warnings. Some even say, "Let the storm come. I'd rather die than leave my home." You could argue that the warnings cause more anxiety than the actual storm itself. So maybe we should stop sending out signals and let life happen.

To be or not to be

2007-08-20T11:16:00.000-05:00

This existence is wearing me down faster than I thought it would. I feel that I can't go on much longer. I'm wasting my time doing something I don't believe it. I watch my daughter grow older and I feel that I'm not the active participant that I want to be. I hate my job and feel resentment that because of it, I can't be the mother that I want to be. What's the point of life if one day I wake up and my children are gone. What were all those years for? I'm completely worthless. My salary hardly matters and as a person I'm a waste. I hate who I am and I hate what I'm becoming. I want to end this. How much more can I take?

"Away From Me" - Evanescence

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll

I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds

But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to

Lost all faith in the things I have achieved

And I've woken now to find myself

In the shadows of all I have created

I'm longing to be lost in you (away from this place I have made)

Won't you take me away from me

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins

I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed

I can't go on like this

I loathe all I've become

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more

I have grown so weary of this lie I live

I've woken now to find myself

In the shadows of all I have created

I'm longing to be lost in you

Away from me.

"You need to move on"

2007-08-15T08:45:00.001-05:00

This is a very heavy statement and can impose an unattainable goal. No matter how hard I try, I keep seeing this goal move farther and farther away. I work extremely hard to take in all that I have, to see how fortunate I truly am. I'm trying to soar above the wreckage that has crippled me. But the pain can't be denied. It is constantly pushing me back and ripping pieces of me away. The injuries from this pain cripples me even more. And then I can see my goal move closer to the horizon. What happens when I can no longer see my goal? The will to keep moving forward will no longer be there. As I look back from where I've traveled, I will see that I have laid down additional wreckage on top of what was already there. Now my family will have to try and recover from what I left behind. It will then be realized that I will never move on and the pain will always tear me apart. The only thing left to do is crash into my reality and succumb to the pain.

It's Hopeless

2007-07-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

I continue to hate myself. I don't know how to change this way of thinking. I have a hard time remembering to take my medication on a regular basis. Counseling isn't helping either. The therapist continually focuses on my relationship/alienation with my parents. I can see her reasoning. She wants me to have as many resources available as possible to me. But I feel that I have more important issues at hand. Like how do I find the strength to keep going? The only thing that I can think of to keep me going is the thought of the pain I would cause Troy and Grace if I died. The thought of that pain is almost as unbearable as the pain I'm living everyday. So I live with pain and I imagine possible pain. That equals pain in every thought and breath. And then the downward spiral begins. With so much pain, what is the FUCKING point? Why did God put me here on this earth? Why did God "bless" me with children if he's just going to take them away from me? Now I'm this insecure loser. I'm terrified that my curse will be to out live my husband and children. I don't want that. I feel so horrible that Troy is stuck with this ugly, fat, psycho loser of a wife. I know that he doesn't feel that way. But I feel that he could have had so much more if he hadn't met me. I feel that because of me, one of his daughters is dead! I just want the pain of this life to be over. It's so tiring going on in life with this fake outer shell while I'm screaming and crying on the inside. I know that my depression gets tiring to deal with. I can see it in Troy's face and Grace's interaction with me. I will try and hang on as long as I can, knowing that each minute of everyday is torture.

Unbearable

2007-06-01T13:14:00.000-05:00

Life continues and I'm still here. I find that the pain of both Sheila's and Kayla's suicides effects me deeply. I truly miss them and wish they were here enjoying the life they deserve. They didn't deserve to feel alienated, alone and in pain. If they were feeling anything that I'm feeling, I can understand how it seemed unbearable. I am currently struggling with the strength to hang on. How can someone not even have a clue of how much pain these people were going through for so long? What kind of ego centric person am I? I feel that my depression is slowly destroying my family. Eventually, they will resent me for all the pain and suffering my weakness has brought to them. I don't think I could live with seeing that. I don't see a way out and I don't believe that the pain will get better. I hate being such a weak person. Troy seems to be surviving...at least there's one healthy person in our broken family. I just want to be free of this pain!

The Descent

I look to the future
Hopelessness shadows everything
Darkness surrounds me
Breathing no longer easy
Waiting for the blade to be extracted
Only knowing the bleeding will continue
Can’t believe in “Words of Comfort”
Only I know the reality of my pain
Faith reassures promises of final peace
But only until it’s too late
I want to smash this existence
Watch pieces of me scatter
See the pain released

sjj 6/1/2007

My Purpose

2007-04-27T14:56:00.000-05:00

As life remains painful and unbearable at times, I find myself hanging on. The reason...Grace. Don't misunderstand me, I love my husband and he doesn't matter any less than Grace. However, I believe that as an adult, he has the emotional tools to eventually move on. Grace does not have the necessary emotional resources to rebuild her life into a healthy adult. I believe that if I end up leaving now, it would seriously doom her future stability. The last thing I want to do is destroy her. With that said, there are some uncontrollable urges and deep ravines that I continue to experience on a daily basis. I hide behind this miserable mask of adequacy...like everything is tolerable. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I don't choose or want to be in this miserable, lonely hell. There is an invisible hold on my spirit and I can feel the gasp tighten. When I get ready for work, I have to stare at myself in the mirror for at least 30 minutes. And the whole time all I can think of is "I'm going to kill you!" Then I feel so disgusted and ashamed that I'm thinking this way. I feel that there is no immediate threat that I will act. I just feel that I am slowly dying and pray that I can hold on long enough for Grace to become a strong woman and not despaired.

Sick of Myself!

2007-03-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

I hate myself!!!! I try and be a better person but I always slip into the freaky, crappy Sara-mode. Everytime that happens, I end up hating myself even more!!!! The disappointment is absolutely unbearable. I'm sick of life and sick of screwing it up for everyone. There's no point in denying that life would be more pleasant without my psycho self. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of looking in from the outside and feeling like an alien. When I smile and laugh, it's all fake. Inside my head I can hear my voice telling myself that it's only a matter of time...how long will you be able to hang in there? I want to get out of this pit but find that it's impossible. I'm tired of the rest of the world going on around me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I can barely cook meals for my family. Let alone be a productive member of society.

"Save Me" – Unwritten Law

Had a bad day, don't talk to me,

gonna ride this out,

My little black heart, breaks apart,

with your big mouth.

And I'm sick of my sickness

Don't touch me, you'll get this.

I'm useless, lazy, perverted,

and you hate me.

You can't save me,

You can't change me,

Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call,

And everything, everything's my fault

Went to the doctor, and I asked her,

to make this stop.

Got medication, a new addiction,

Fucking thanks a lot.

I had to relapse, I'm bad at rehabs

It ruins everything.

So point your finger, at the singer,

[She's] in the pharmacy.

You can't save me,

You can't change me,

Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,

and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,

You can't blame me,

Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,

and everything, and everything's my fault.

And I'm a death threat, haven't slept yet,

Baby why the wake up call

I'm the bad [girl] tell the tabloids

everything's my fault.

write it, write it,

everything's my fault,

everything's my fault.

I went to heaven, but couldn't get in,

For what I have done.

I said please take me, they said you're crazy

you had too much fun.

You can't save me,

You can't change me,

Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,

and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,

You can't blame me,

Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,

and everything, everything's my fault.

Reactions

2007-03-16T10:55:00.001-05:00

I believe that our lives are determined by reactions. I have finally able to admit to myself that I'm severely depressed. My depression has caused multiple reactions from myself and those around me. I am consumed with this pain that is no longer focused on Kayla. Kayla is still a big part of it. But I find that it has caused a reaction within myself towards self hate. I don't know how to deal with it or change it. So I end up lashing out at people and saying things that I regret immediately. I can see the disappointment of the faces of others when they're dealing with me. And the pain perpetuates and I fall deeper into the Depression trench. I end up alienating myself because I hate myself and I have a hard time faking it. My lack of ability to "cheer up" is not very pleasant for those around me. Then I start to doubt about my self worth.

Depression

Pain and emptiness strangles me

I try and break free

And find that I am a prisoner

Poison spews out of my mouth

Futile attempts of defense

Alienation convinces me to its ways

Loneliness greets me with open arms

Looking at the damage

Regret and self hate takes over

Doubt speaks to me

No one can love such a creature

I am selfish and out of control

Forgiveness, my only redemption

An impossibility for the broken hearted

sjj 3/16/2007

Not so Golden

2007-03-07T08:54:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that at one point I had an obsession with the Golden Gate Bridge suicides. This brought my attention to the on going debate over a suicide barrier. There was a study done on 515 people who attempted suicide on the Golden Gate but were restrained. Around 94% never made any further attempts. So I became curious to what made that bridge so desirable...what kind of people chose that destination...and were their deaths preventable.

After much pondering, I've come to a conclusion, there are two types of suiciders. There are those who have been battling various demons and they can't find any refuge. They are slowly dying and they are aware of it. So they decide to take control the only way they know how, end the pain forever. They carefully plan their exit and intervention is highly unlikely. And then there are those who are highly impulsive. They've probably been experiencing trying times and the future seems bleak. When suddenly, something happens or is said that causes them to believe it's better to end it all. It is this group that invention can be highly effective. I believe that the 515 were the impulsive. They displayed subliminal warning signals because deep down, they weren't 100% sure this was the answer. I believe that the first group are more purposeful with their lethal intentions. They walk to the most accessible and lethal spot and without hesitation, throw themselves into the void.

So when you look at this philosophy, a suicide barrier is very controversial. It will cost millions just to fund the research. A huge suspension bridge is sensitive to the wind effects of structural changes. Would spending this huge amount of money really impact the suicide rates? When you look around your own community, you see that there are plenty of structures to throw yourself off of. I live in a city that has the Mississippi winding through it. The River has multiple bridges crossing it. If I really wanted to do myself in, I don't need the Golden Gate Bridge. I think if people truly want to end it, they will find whatever resources to satisfy their needs.

Dear Golden Gate Bridge

I don’t need you anymore
I was blinded by the publicity
Because you have the numbers
You think you can be destiny
Publicly, there may be no other
Privately, you’re all the same
Life suddenly becomes dangerous

sjj 3/6/2007

One year ago...

2007-02-15T13:46:00.000-06:00

Kayla's death anniversary is just around the corner. One year ago today, Kayla was still alive and a physical part of our lives. We never imagined that she wouldn't be. The past year has been the hardest ever to endure. There are so many more left in front of me that it is very overwhelming. I don't want to go one more day without Kayla, but I'm forced to go on countless days. I don't like being forced into this life. I don't even remember what I was like before Kayla died. Was laughing and smiling a more natural reaction? Now it seems so forced. What occupied my mind back then? I know I thought a lot about Kayla and how to keep her on the "right track". Now all I can think about is the private pain she was carrying and the pain I'm experiencing. Are our pain comparable? A lot of times I don't want to go on living. Suicide has become such a real factor in our lives. How do I keep myself distanced so I don't fall into the endless abyss and come out the other side? I want to be strong but find that I don't have the strength needed to survive. Each day is a huge challenge.

The Year’s Procession

Shock and disbelief worn away

This gaping wound now exposed

I don’t like looking at it

A reminder of that day

When our lives changed forever

The will to live

So hard to find at times

I dream of our reunion

Will you recognize me

Disfigured from grief

I cannot remember my former self

All I can see is my deformity

I feel the pain of my injury

And hear the crying of my heart

Hope of recovery is so thin

One year down

An eternity left to bear

sjj 2/15/2007

Happy Valentines Day

2007-02-14T10:00:00.000-06:00

At times I feel like I'm in this fight alone. Some days, I can feel myself dangling on the edge. Many times I alienate myself from the world because the pain is too great to deal with. But no matter how hard I try and shut people out, there are those that insist on pushing their way through. It's nice to know that I won't be abandoned, even though that's what I would like at times. I don't want to pull anyone down to the depths that I find myself at. Exactly two weeks from today will be Kayla's first death anniversary. I don't have any words to express what the day means to me. I'm frozen with grief and fear to even feel anything. I'm living in this ice cube that is keeping me numb. I know that it's going to shatter to pieces once I hit the ground.

Rescue Me – Krystal Meyers

Swallowing this hurt

Making it lie down

I'm my strongest ally, living life as I know how

I'm carrying the weight of a world that sold me out

I'm running with my eyes closed

Hoping you don't see this doubt

I'm lost for words

I'm at a loss to tell you what I need

I know there's something more

God, help me to believe

And all this time

I thought the fight

The fight was only mine

I need to let you rescue me

I'm taking fire

I'm feeling tired

I'm tired of this fight

I need to let you rescue me

I let it go to breathe

I can't take it anymore

I refuse to wake up one more time bleeding on the floor

I won't let myself hold back

I'll surrender what's inside

You become my healing tourniquet

So I can feel alive

I feel so exposed

I'm afraid to lose total control

With nothing left to hold

You reach for me and wouldn't let me go

And all this time

I thought the fight

The fight was only mine

I need to let you rescue me

I'm taking fire

I'm feeling tired

I'm tired of this fight

I need to let you rescue me

The Golden Gate Bridge

2007-02-02T10:37:00.000-06:00

I've been almost on the verge of obsession with an on going phenominon...the Golden Gate Bridge is the number one spot on this planet that people commit suicide. There is a myth that people from all over the world come to this spot to end their lives. The truth is that at least 85% are Bay area residents. The Golden Gate Bridge instills pride in the Bay Area residents...having such a beautiful and progressive structure that millions come to see and photograph, right out their back door. There is only a 4 foot guard rail, making it extremely accessible to end it all. The success rate is at least 98%. No one below has ever been physically hurt by the suicider's plunge. I believe all of these facts make the Golden Gate Bridge an attractive method to its residents.

With the anniversary of Kayla's death approaching, I question my life, its value, quality and purpose. At times I envy those that live in the Bay Area. They have this beautiful, accessible and lethal means to an end. If I want that, I need to buy a plane ticket...and wouldn't that look strange? Suicide takes the private pain and makes it public. If it's going to end up being public, why not have witnesses for the height of your despair and exit? But the only reason I'm in this dark place is because of Kayla's suicide. Once someone takes the plunge, the ripples their body makes in their exit goes on and on in their family and friends' hearts forever. My exit, at least right now, would only perpetuate the ripple effect of grief.

Beauty and Pain

During the height of despair

Human progression rises

Above the fog

Beautiful for many generations

Admiration for society’s accomplishments

Celebration quickly leaves

Mourning rushes in

International Orange turned tragic

Opportunity of escape

Open for anyone looking

So many battles

Tears, Anger and Despair

Thrown over

Making a final splash

The population above goes on

Family and friends collapse

Ripples from lost battles

Shake their hearts forever

sjj 2/2/2007

Why?

2007-01-23T14:06:00.000-06:00

Betrayal

You spit and stomp
You scream and yell
Resentment or fear?
I can’t tell
You push the knife
Right in my back
The wound’s severe
I’ve been attacked
Falling down
I stumble and cry
Stunned and confused
Your love’s a lie
Belief and vitality
Bleed out of me
Tired of this life
Just want to be free

sjj 1/22/2007

What's the Meaning?

2007-01-13T01:09:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I'm still here. My purpose has been stripped and thrown in my face. My pain has dug a pit so deep, I don't know how I will escape. I don't want to cause the same pain that I am experiencing. But my resilience is wearing so thin. Now it's a matter of endurance and hope. Right now the pain of Kayla's absence is too raw for those around me. I need to be careful with my loved ones. I don't want to be cruel or selfish. But in the end does it really matter. True existentialism to its test. Our meaning and existence...is it all really relative? In the grand scheme of things, we are really insignificant. I do believe that Kayla has entered a place that cannot compare to our existence. I believe that someday we will meet again. It's all about the "Meantime". I've heard that Kayla will wait for me, there's no reason to rush the inevitible. So easy for those not experiencing the "Meantime" to say such things.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death...

2006-12-15T14:02:00.000-06:00

Grief is so complicated. Let alone having to process our daughter's suicide. I'm such a wreck and feel very isolated and alone right now. I can't trust my feelings. I start to question the definition of the Quality of Life. How do you know if your life is of quality and is it still worth living if it's not? I struggle with feelings of self worth. I wonder what am I contributing to this thing called life. Do I help or harm my loved ones. And does it even matter. In a 100 years, we will all be gone no one will even know I existed. All I really know is that the "Here and Now" is full of pain. I can only hope that I will come out a survivor and not another victim.

The Edge

Here I am again

On the edge of a precipice

Overlooking a deep valley

The edge frightens me

So many hazards

I could slip and fall

Winds of grief howl in my ears

Can’t shake the voices out

As I stumble

I notice how peaceful it looks down there

It looks so still

As I lean forward

I can feel courage sneak away

I would not survive the landing

My course has been changed

Knowing the decision

Will need to be made again

sjj 12/15/2006

"Tis the Season?

2006-12-10T14:03:00.000-06:00

It's so hard to get into the Christmas season. I don't want to be involved. I don't want to celebrate when Kayla is dead. But at the same time, I need to make this holiday as nice as possible for our daughter Grace (9 yrs). We can't let Kayla's death take the joys out of life for Grace. It's so hard to be happy when Kayla was so unhappy that she decided this world wasn't for her anymore. As a mother, you feel that it's your duty to make the world right for your children. When that doesn't become true, you feel that you failed your one and only job. I need to set an example for Grace that we need to find a way to survive. Even though, many days, I don't want to go on. I want to give up because the pain is neverending. Then I think that this is must be what Kayla was feeling and that makes me very sad. We all miss her so much.

Christmas 2005

Merry Christmas, Little Star

Our bright shining star
What happened?
Your light extinguished
Blindly, we grope
Hoping to find each other
We are forced to go on
With only recollections of your brightness
Experience no longer an option
We long to feel the warmth
Radiating from your life
Artificial lights surrounding us
Never comparing to your brilliance
But their attempts
Bring our thoughts to you
Love…Family…Hope

sjj 12/10/2006

Still Learning to say Good-Bye

2006-11-29T09:49:00.000-06:00

My husband (Troy), daughter (Grace) and I went out to California to visit Troy's sister (Shelly). Shelly was very close to Kayla. They would always talk about Kayla coming out there when she turned 18 and travel together. Unfortunately, that never happened or will ever. The main purpose of our trip was to spread Kayla's ashes out by Shelly. As expected, it was extremely difficult. We chose to spread her ashes at Muir Beach, outside of San Francisco, on Saturday 11/25. Kayla now has a beautiful view of both Alaska (http://dragonflywannabe.blogspot.com/2006/08/starting-to-say-good-bye.html) and California.

Revelations 21:1-4

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Ocean of Grief

2006-11-10T21:56:00.000-06:00

I feel that grief has isolated me from the rest of the world. Even with my husband, I feel that I am alone. This has nothing to do with anything he has done but has everything to do with my insecurities. There are so many dark thoughts that run through my head. I am ashamed that they are brewing there. My shame separates me from everyone else. I want to rise above it. But there is a weight dragging me down. I find that most of the time I am trying to run away from reality. Since I can't change what has happened, I try to ignore or deny what I can until I find the strength to deal. I find though that a lot of the time I don't have any strength. There's the strong urge to give up. But then there's the small hope that something will change. That the grief will not be so raw. But how long does one hang on to hope. At what point does one simply say enough?

Lost at Sea

Grief has swept me out to sea
I’m lonely and lost
Haven’t seen land for days
How did I get here?
How do I get back?
Don’t even know
Which direction to turn
Beasts swimming below
Waiting to devour me
I welcome the mirages
Life looking like it should
But the images do not last
Reality burns into me
I want to give in
Tired of this aimless existence
But what if tomorrow I spot land?
What if tomorrow is different?
Will my loved ones weep
Discovering my washed up body?
Or will they rejoice
Seeing me crawl up to shore
A survivor?

sjj 11/10/2006

Hell

2006-10-22T09:03:00.000-05:00

I believe Hell is a place of complete loneliness. Where you're always doubting yourself because there is no one there to reassure you. It's not a quiet place. It's a place where demons are screaming insults and lies are dripping off of their fangs as they bite into you. You feel like your existance is meaningless. And you wonder why do I deserve this. You try to climb out of it, which is futile. This is a reality that will never change until you are truely rescued. There's no human being on this earth that can rescue you. Only you know in your heart the way out, but it takes true courage. Right now, courage has been ejected so far out of me, I can't see it.

"Good Behavior"
by Plumb

I was frozen in a fragile world
Of make believe and empty lies
Twisting the rules
Of a virtuous game

And captured by the thought of fear
And loneliness afraid to cry
Suffocating trying to scream

Cause I wanted out now
To find myself

Cause perfect only makes you crazy
there is no way that it could save me
I'm sick of feeling like a trader
Is this the price for good behavior?

Oh my naked skin
Feels the warmth of the sun
My eyes are open
To the brightness of life

I'm driven by a force so free
To live this life not paralyzed
But with reckless abandon
So now I can breath

Cause I wanted out

To find myself

Cause perfect only makes you crazy
there is no way that it could save me
I'm sick of feeling like a trader
Is this the price for good behavior?

Don't do this
Don't do that
You will be
Out abandoned

Cause perfect only makes you crazy
there is no way that it could save me
I'm sick of feeling like a trader
Is this the price for good behavior?

Sisters

2006-10-21T08:34:00.000-05:00

Of all the ugliness and selfishness that goes on in the world, the one true beautiful thing was the relationship between Kayla and Grace. They were inseparable. Grace looked up to Kayla with all her heart. And Kayla adored Grace more than she loved herself. Now there's this huge void in Grace's life. How can a 9 year old understand why this happened. I'm an adult and I can't...I don't think I ever will. So it is now about how to deal with never understanding. I don't even know how or where to start. Imagine the circles that Grace's mind must be making. How can someone so beautiful and wonderful rip themselves from our lives? Issues of self worth are huge. I'm paralyzed with fear that I will fail with Grace.

Lost

There's a bright light
It's my beacon
Leading me through
The labyrinths try to trap me
I set my sights on my beacon
Life is not as intimidating
One day the beacon went out
Tears and darkness surrounds me
Shadows creep in
I can't find my way
Don't know why this happened
I'm scared
Am I alone?
All I have is this compass
I don't know how to use it
I will try it to cope
I will struggle and fight

sjj 10/21/2006

Surviving

2006-10-19T00:06:00.000-05:00

I feel like I need to fight for my life. If I stop, I will lose. I don't even know where to begin. There's so many times that I feel like I'm alone...even with Troy and Grace. There are so many thoughts that race through my head. I don't even know how to verbalize. Since everyone grieves differently, I feel separated and alienated. When I try and explain to Troy what is going through my head, he tries to give a different perspective. I think it's to help get my mind on a different track. Instead, it alienates me more. I feel that in some way what I'm feeling isn't validated. I know a lot of this is due to insecurities caused by Kayla's death. I want to survive for the sake of my husband and my surviving 9 year old daughter. But I don't feel that I have the skills or resources to even start. So I rely on desperate coping skills, which only helps me stay numb. Fear of rejection keeps me in my self made cage. I want someone to hear my cries, but I'm afraid to actually cry out. So I will remain inconspicuous.

Survival

I've been stabbed
Someone call 911
Can't you see me lying here?
Life's slowly escaping
I clutch the wound
Can I control the bleeding?
Someone's coming
Will they intervene?
They walk around me
They step over me
They even kick me
Is this what I deserve?
Is this my fate?
Just need compassion
A sign that someone cares
No one can be bothered
This task is my own
I slowly crawl
Away from the scene
I find shelter
Will I heal or will I die?
This wound is so deep
I will stay here a while
And see what will become of me

sjj 10/3/2006

More Demons

2006-10-03T17:20:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to get rid of the demons inside my head. I'm constantly brought back to the reality that I will always be less than perfect. Or should I say, far from perfect. I have the intense fear of letting people down. I feel that I'm always having to measure up to some invisible, unsaid measurement. Ever since Kayla died, I have felt like a disappointment. I feel that I let her down and that is why she is no longer with us. I should have been more supportive, more empathetic, etc. I can hear the demons yelling in my head..."You're not good enough. You never will be". I try to ignore them but I feel that there is truth in that. I know I let Troy down and he feels that I am not trustworthy. It hurts that I am that person. Then there's Grace. I'm so consumed with my grief that I know I must let her down on a daily basis. I really don't want to deal with this shit anymore. Life is the biggest downer. I'm told that people need me and I have a purpose. I really don't believe it. In fact, I feel that my existence actually does more harm than good at times. I just want to escape. Whenever I feel that I may be getting over a hurdle, there's some rude reminder around the corner waiting to slap me across the face.

Life

Chews me up
Spits me out
Kicks me in the face
Points and shout
Strips me naked
For all to see
Stabs me in the gut
Then strangles me
Runs me over
Leaves me for dead
Sees I’m still alive
Shoots me in the head

sjj 7/21/2006

First Day of Eternity

2006-09-27T16:43:00.000-05:00

I cannot get the days of 2/28-3/4 out of my head. They replay constantly. February 28, 2006 was the end of our lives as we knew it. We will never be the same. We may look like a repaired family on the outside. But we are completely broken on the inside. At least I am. I wonder what is the purpose of those days replaying over and over. I wonder why this has happened. I wonder how can we ever be whole again. People keep reassuring me that I will be whole someday. Honestly, I don't see how that is possible. Kayla was an extended part of me. Now that part is gone forever. I do know that I will see her again. It's the time in between that will be torturous. There is so much I miss about her. So many dreams that died. I find myself staring at her pictures looking into her eyes to see if I can see the pain. I can't. But it doesn't matter, it won't change anything.

February 28, 2006

We couldn’t see eye to eye
Tears escaped
As I turned and walked away
The weight of the world
Too much to take in
The keys of escape within your reach
Too many lies screaming
Inside your head the pain swells
The smoke fogs your judgment
The dizziness doesn’t stop
The lack of answers
Churning your stomach into nausea
Can’t turn back now
You start to fall
Can’t walk straight
Reality squeezes life out
You want to sleep
Close your eyes to this old world
Your mind will never be the same
Too much damage incurred
You see the door and step through
You finally escaped your pain
Mine has just started

sjj 9/27/2006

Comfortably Numb

2006-09-18T17:52:00.000-05:00

I have finally climbed out of the depressive abyss. I am back to being numb...thank God! I keep hearing that the second year of grieving is harder because the numbness has worn away. I am still in disbelief that Kayla is gone forever. I will never get over the fact of life without Kayla. Not one day passes that I don't think of the day she died and the days leading up to her funeral. I feel that a huge part of me was lost during those days so I am continually reliving those days to find what I lost. I am very unhappy to be alive. That doesn't mean I want to die. It just means that the will to survive is hardly there. Sometimes I feel like lying down and giving up. Life is extremely painful. I desparately look for distractions because the weight of it all is too much to handle.

Broken Hearted

The day you died
A cold steel blade pierced my heart
The life slowly bleeds out
Love cannot be fully restored
The pain overwhelms my days
Tears stain my face
No one knows who I am anymore
I can’t trust myself
Relationships collapse
My hair turns silver
From the ashes that were scattered
There’s not enough strength
Cannot withstand the night
I clutch my chest
I start to fall
Nothing there to hold onto
Will I find peace
As I release my grip?

sjj 8/14/2006

Broken Family

2006-09-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

We will always be broken. There is no way to be repaired. How do you recover? How do you go on? I try and be who people want me to be. Life is so fucking disappointing. Is this why we have been put here...to experience complete devastation? This life that I am currently experiencing is what I would imagine Hell to be. Everyday, I want to scream in the middle of a crowd so people would know the torture I experience. I don't have the strenght to do that...so I scream on the inside. I can't even talk about how I feel because the pain is so excrutiating I can't put it to words.

Broken

We lived in a house of glass

Never thought of invinsibility

Just attempting life

Being careful around the edges

The walls are fragile

Suddenly it happened

A bullet ripped through

The walls shatter around us

We've been cut severly

By the debris

Life slowly oozes

Out of our hearts

Wounds still fresh

Trying to put our house together

Wounds reopen

New wounds appear

This impossible task

Bleeding me out

The life is almost gone...

sjj 9/6/2006

Happy Birthday Kayla

2006-09-05T13:09:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow would have been Kayla's 18th birthday. The day she would be an adult and we could take our relationship to the next level. I will never know that joy. I can literally feel the pain eat away at my soul. I don't know how I can survive this...I don't want to be a survivor. My life will always be incomplete. Life is so extremely painful that the joy is barely noticeable.

Birthday Blues

The clock ticks closer
To mark the hour
You entered this world
The world wanted you to stay
You didn’t feel the same
So many memories of love
That has now been pushed out the door
Can’t understand what happened
Can’t accept the void
Your legacy will live on
Longer than you could
The joy of your birth
Is now the pain
Forever in my heart
You will always remain young
I will continue to age
One more day
One more year
One more chance
That is my wish
Fruitless desires
Eating away at my soul

sjj 8/31/2006

Never ending grief

2006-08-28T13:40:00.000-05:00

The inner tormoil never ends. I can't sleep at night...I find myself wandering around the house. When I do sleep, I find myself being tormented in my dreams. I can feel the downward spiral. But I'm afraid to tell anyone. I'm afraid that my weakness will just add to the pile of disappointments. The glue that keeps me together is starting to crack. Going on seems like an impossibility. Everyday is a huge struggle of getting through the day and keeping the facade up so no one is suspicious. The thought of Kayla's birthday is eating me up inside. I feel that my issues are holding Troy back from his grieving so I don't feel that I should dump on him. The night is endless.

Tortured

Ripped and torn
Thrown in a heap
Tossing and turning
Can’t get to sleep
Voices conspiring
Inside my head
Hanging precariously
By a fragile thread
Wondering aimlessly
Through this mire
Can’t see clearly
Lost all desire
Slipping, falling
To my death
Crying and moaning
From every breath

sjj 8/16/2006

Demons and nightmares

2006-08-14T09:45:00.000-05:00

This horrible nightmare never ends. I am in constant turmoil and extreme pain. I don't know how much longer I can keep this front up. I try so hard to "keep a stiff upper lip"...for the most part, people don't really want to know the demons eating away at us. My resistance to accepting what is real haunts me in my dreams. It's an endless pursuit of escape that never comes. I feel like a hamster running in it's wheel trying to escape. But my demons just stand there and laugh at me because I'm not moving forward.

A lot of times I wonder what Kayla is doing and is she watching. A part of me doesn't believe that she is watching. If she is truly in Heaven, how can watching the torment of your loved ones be paradise? I believe that she is truly in bliss and is unaware of what is going on here on this earth. If she only knew how ruined I am because of her absence. I try not to be such a wreck for Grace's sake. But once someone is falling to their death, how do you stop the fall? So many insecurities and doubts eating away at me. I can only hope that time will save me.

Demons

Glowing eyes of guilt stare
Through the dark loneliness
I look away
Can’t handle the nakedness
Fangs dripping with shame
Biting their way to my soul
Blood oozing from my heart
As life slowly slips away
Fear on the tips of claws
Tearing away my flesh of self worth
Exposing my strength is all an act
The screeching accusations
Howls and rings in my head
I try to shut them out
It doesn’t matter
The wings of failure sweep me away
I can’t see the ground
Now I am falling ready for impact
Oh the pain
The vultures of humility
Eat what remains
I am nothing

sjj 7/14/2006

Starting to say Good-bye

2006-08-09T17:04:00.000-05:00

My husband, my surviving daughter and I made a trip up to Alaska to visit my sister and my nieces. We chose to spread a third of Kayla's ashes in Homer, AK. Kayla loved visiting her aunt and cousins. She particularly liked Homer. Kayla's ashes were spread Monday 7/31/2006 at the Homer overlook where there will always be flowers and she has a terrific view.

John 16:19-22
Jesus could see that they wanted to ask him about these things, so he said to them, “Are you asking each other about this – that I said, ‘In a little while you will not see me; again after a little while, you will see me’? I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your grief will turn into joy. When a woman gives birth, she has sorrow because her time has come, but when her child is born, she no longer remembers the suffering because of her joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.

2006-07-28T15:18:00.000-05:00

Recovering from the death of my 17 year old daughter is extremely difficult. There are many times that I feel alienated and alone. I feel that in society, no one wants to truly know how I am and how much pain I am in. Because my husband is also suffering, I feel at times that I can't go to him. My daughter was literally my second half...we looked alike, had similar tastes in music, food and movies. So many things I could share with her, I can't share with anyone else.

Flood

Forty days and nights
Have turned into an eternity
The sorrow flows continuously
Running down my cheeks
Into my heart
My chest swells
Explosion is eminent
The sorrow moves up
Into my throat
I can’t swallow
Much less speak
I will remain silent
As I drown in this flood.

sjj 7/27/2006

Dragonfly's Introduction

2006-07-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

"In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him. Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.

The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist."

by Walter Dudley CavertRemember Now© 1944, 1971